Writing, books, etc

Denver 2012

2012-03-13T16:59:00.009-07:00

I have 180 pages to finish for tomorrow's class, but all I could think of right now as I am sitting in the packed library, is my Fulbright experience in Denver, Colorado. I was chosen to attend a very interesting seminar addressing: "The Influence of the Growing Minority Populations in Changing the Political Landscape, in relation to local and national elections in the U.S" which on its own seems amazing.

The topic of the conference was the major reason why I decided to go. I am very interested in politics, especially in the U.S; Meeting other Fulbrighters felt like a bonus. I knew that the time I would have with these people would be minimal, and so at the back of my head I prepared myself to be overwhelmed and unable to connect. I didn't think I would be able to not only focus on the conference but also share my self with others. What I did not anticipate though, was that in less than 3 full days, I would be surrounded by 140 international Fulbrighters from over 70 countries, and that I would connect with so many!

The first few hours were a bliss. It was so nice wearing my traditional Palestinian dress for our opening dinner. I had people asking me about our costumes, people talking to me about Palestine, while I saw others smiling at me form across the room. I was again the Laila I was in my pre-academic program in North Carolina, a program that has shaped my American experience giving me best friendships to last for life. I was willing to open up, something I have been lacking a bit here in Orange, and I was delighted to answer questions about occupation in Palestine, about my headscarf, and about my university.

I also learned so much about them! I asked questions and I debated arguments. We not only discussed our native languages, but we shared our experiences living in the U.S; we talked about loud roommates, small towns, and homesickness. I never expected to have as many conversations in so little time.

Of course I slowly made a group of my own, a few people that I connected with the most, people that I wish to see in my life for a long time, people I hope visit me in California and in Palestine. I made efforts to connect with everyone, but since we had limited time, I wasn't able to talk to everyone. My hope is that with the social connections we are using, we can start conversations and continue ones that were interrupted.

I also learned about the topic of the conference. Out of six candidates that were narrowed down to two, I voted for a Democratic candidate, although I respected the Republican one as well. I saw the small intricate reasons the American demographics fight over. I learned from African American politicians the importance of a vision, and I learned to cheer and support everyone. I cheered the Republican candidate because he embodied the Republicans and their mantras. I cheered the Democratic candidate because she was a woman who was living a tiny dream she might never had dreamed of living, and I was cheering the amazing singer we had! I was cheering us and our joined experiences.

And so and as I am reminded of the 180 pages left for me to read, I sigh contently and I pray that I have represented my country as well as my other new Fulbtrighters have represented theirs. I hope that I showed that Palestinians are not only strong determined people, but are ill represented and that needs to change! Thank you Denver Fulbrighters, and may we...

On this Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

I've decided not to read last year's post about Valentine's day until I post this one. I want to be able to write my feelings without comparing them to 2011. This Valentine's day is my first abroad, and let me tell you something : I am not bitter. It is easier to be o.k with being single in the U.S, because I know that the chances of me finding a Muslim guy in a small old town is very slim. In fact I haven't met any graduate student who is a Muslim, nor an Arab. I am not complaining though. As much as I would enjoy having love in my life, these two years should be the perfect time for me to focus on my studies and on building my professional career.

No, I am not bitter this year- I am happy: I am not crushing on anyone, I am not still recovering from an old love that never was meant to be, and I am not thinking of somebody who left two years ago. This Valentine's day, I am thinking of myself. I am exercising more often, reading more and more, and I am taking care of myself. This year I am not regretting the things I do not have; I am appreciating the things I have: I have amazing parents who teach me that love should be eternal, that your children should not be a copy of your self, but an improvement. I learn that respect is crucial and I learn that keeping your personal life inside the walls of your house is probably the best way to do things. I have best friends that stay in touch with me even if we are miles apart. I have new friends that I won't give up, and most importantly I have myself.

I have always believed that you should fully love, respect, and understand your self before you can give that sort of love to someone else. Today and on this day, I am more in love with my self than any time before. I respect my self although I know I am filled with faults; I understand myself although at certain times, I don't know why I react the ways I do; I love myself because I know that I am the only one who can be me! I am thankful for the roses I received from my parents, the email I received from my best friend although she was travelling, and I appreciate the candy my landlady gave me and my housemates. I appreciate the small and big things in life, and this is why, dear readers, I am not bitter. In fact, I think I am happier today than I was ever!

I've realized on this day that the reason life is not perfect is because we are not perfect. I always thought I would be with my sweetheart from high school. I thought Valentine's days would be filled with a different kind of love, but I am not disappointed. Everything that has happened in my life, including breakups and heartbreak have led to where I am right now- In California, on a scholarship studying something I want to do forever. I could not have asked for more. I am grateful. I know that true love will happen. I won't believe that life with all its beauty can't grant me love. I know that right now in 2012 there are more important things to happen to me. And for all the lovers out there, please appreciate what you have. Love is never to be taken for granted.

Comfort, how important is it?

2012-02-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Here is an honest fact: Last night and as I was sitting in my bed, I began to cry. I was both laughing and tearing up while watching old home videos taken of me and my best friend. The videos were silly- We were jamming to old 90's songs, we were talking about how we will remain in touch when I leave to California (we have, thankfully), and we were mostly eating and laughing. I was smiling because I was reminded that I have amazing friends back home; I was tearing up because I do not have them here with me.

Being away from one's country is not an easy task, but what fascinates me the most about this experience is how much I miss the comfort of being home. I miss my own room, my own family, and my own friends. I honesty miss being in a country that I belong to. I miss speaking my own language and I miss the sense of familiarity. I miss smelling Falafel around every corner. I miss eating Arabic food, and I miss the sounds of my parents in the morning. But what I am learning the most from this experience is how comfortable home can be. When you are immersed in a situation, or when you are living your normal "comfort-zone" life, you don't look back and realize how truly comfortable it is, how comfortable you are. You will appreciate it when you leave. I never thought that I will miss the "smell" of my town, but I do. I never thought I would miss having my own bathroom, but I do. I never thought that the cure to most of my problems has always been to spend time with my best friends, and to have dinner with my parents.

Don't get me wrong, I am not dependent on Palestine, but I think I left my heart over there. I can't seem to feel at ease here. I can't even consider California to be my home away from home. I was talking to my Japanese housemate today as She was feeling stressed and homesick. She said that she was thinking of going back to Japan because it's so hard here, classes are hard, her English is bad, and she is not "strong". As I was engaging in the conversation, I became more and more aware of this "comfort" we lack being away from our countries. For me, it is very overwhelming, yet empowering to live abroad. I would not have realized the importance of small things had I stayed surrounded with family and best friends. It is not easy to leave home, but it is my choice, and the choice of my Japanese friend to undergo this process of being uncomfortable in order to...And here is where my Japanese friend and I stopped.

We each looked at the floor and tried to explain why we were "enduring" this homesickness. I knew and have always known why I am here. I am in the U.S.A in order to get a graduate degree that will enable me to teach at universities back home, but since I am being honest, this is not the only reason I am here. I could have gotten any masters degree in Palestine. I am here because America is the land where English is spoken, not eloquently, but it is the first language here. America is where most of the world decisions are made, and America is where I always dreamed to study. I never imagined my university would be in a small old town in the middle of nowhere, but I also know that life does not go as we wish. Life goes in mysterious ways that in the end lets us reflect back and say: "Oh, that is why this thing happened a few years ago". I will never stop missing home. I hope I never feel completely comfortable here, because if I do then I would have replaced my home with another. My home is Palestine and I have to go back. I need to go back. I want to listen to my homesickness and appreciate it. I do know that other people around the world do not have great friends like I do; They do not have my amazing parents, and they don't feel any connection what so ever with their countries. I want to learn from this experience and I won't let my emotional state dominate the way I look at it. I think that...

Does it matter?!

2012-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

As a Palestinian girl growing up in the cozy town of Tulkarem, I easily understood that Palestinians were living under occupation. I knew my grandfather as the refuge who was forced to flee his beautiful town of "Zarnoqa" which does not exist anymore; I saw how my father had trouble getting his Palestinian ID in the beginning of my life, and I witnessed the hardship Palestinians suffer from while travelling in and out of the country. It is not easy not having an airport, but what is harder is the need for a special permit every time you needed to leave. And so, as I said before, it was easy for me to know that I was living under brutal occupation. What as a child I did not fathom is how hard it would be for other countries to see that.

I do remember how my mother would say to Americans when we would visit: " Palestine, not Pakistan" over and over when someone would ask where we were from, after she would initially say Palestine. I remember wondering if people thought we were different because my mother wore a headscarf. As I grew up and became someone who had crushes on movie stars, I would often wonder what they thought of us. I would first wonder what would a certain star think of Muslims. I knew my religion pretty well and I knew from the beginning that Muslim women only marry Muslim men. Imagine my childhood and young teens knowing that any fantasy I would have, I would shatter within a few minutes because of that. Some teens grew up thinking that maybe one day they will meet Brad Pitt (whom I hate), or the Backstreet boys (whom I loved), and maybe marry them. I, on the other hand thought of how I would explain my religion and background.

I grew up and became more aware of my Palestinian and Muslim identity. I, nevertheless, did not get rid of fantasies although they were unreal in many ways. I still dreamed of meeting stars and I still thought of a western prince charming. It is true that globalization opens you up to the world and from my point of view, there weren't any Muslim men in Hollywood. At the age of 24, I still have a wide imagination, and can say with a smile that I have a new "obsession". His name is: Darren Criss.

Tonight, I will not discuss how amazing Darren is. I won't talk about how he inspires and motivates me, as well as thousands of girls and guys around the world. I can't begin to describe his achievements and his beautiful character that is down to earth, articulate, and diligent. What I will say though is that I just read a blog entry by an Israeli expressing how excited and happy she were to meet him in New York where he is debuting in his first ever Broadways show, which if I might add, I have seen(maybe an entry for another post). Everyone reading the blog was probably excited, jealous, and full of hope of maybe seeing him one day, but unlike any avarage reader, I was heartbroken.

I can't deny that the word "Israeli" has very negative connotations in my mind. It does the same for every Palestinian. I can't deny that hearing that my favorite actor/songwriter told an Israeli fan that he always wanted to visit Israel made me upset. I do understand that the world and especially Americans are not entirely aware of the vicious conflict happening where I am from. I do understand also that actors and singers need to encourage and compliment their fans. Saying that they would like to go to countries where their fans are from is not only normal, but expected. Yet, my little heart was shattered into even smaller pieces and I felt betrayed and hurt. How could this person who is amazingly talented, human, and smart want to visit a country that not only occupies another country, but pretends that their land is not stolen nor confiscated? How could Darren Criss not know about BDS and the need for boycotting such a country?

And then it came to me that he simply does not know. Darren Criss, like thousands of people around the world do not know about my country, and this should be one of the many reasons we as Palestinians need to step up and show the world who we are. I do not think that representing my self as a victim of occupation is the only way. I think that we first need to show the world that we exist. By attending events, by being part of any community you live in, by expressing our thoughts in schools, conferences, and parties, we Palestinians will show the world and especially the western people who we are.

I pledge from this moment on to represent my Palestinian and Muslim identity in the best way I can. By going to such events, I will show my American colleagues and friends that I am a proud Palestinian who not only exists, but has a right to every inch of her land. It is true that Palestinians do not have as much money as the Israeli lobbies around the world, but we have truth on our side. My mother always told me that hard work always pays, and I would like to believe that a woman as great as her is right. Let's do this.

The New Year is here

2012-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Before I go on about my list of resolutions that I am sure I have written down several times in several years, I would like to say that the challenge of writing down your resolution, your desirable wishes, and insecure wants can be very hard. Throughout the years, I have been a very honest person with my self. I have written down my most repeated wish "lose weight and exercise", and even the most ridiculous one: "fall in love". Nevertheless, I have never felt disappointed when the time comes and it's the 31 and I am writing down these wishes once again.

Yet this time, and as I was sitting in a Taco Bell on the 31 of December in New York, knowing that my new friends from North Carolina, are waiting for me to start celebrating the night and the beginning of the year with them, I felt weird. For once, I never really celebrated New Year's Eve back home in Palestine. Don't get me wrong, I do celebate it by writing down my resolutions and then waiting for the time to click 12:00, but then I would look at the window, see the firewroks and sigh and then...Well, I would go to bed.

I never imagined that by the end of 2011 I would have new friends that I felt like I knew for years. I never thought that I would be celebrating the end of a year in the magestic and welcoming city of New York. And so sitting down in that cold Taco Bell (I did not want to sit in a Starbucks after all) was interesting.

I was immersed in too many emotions at that moment. For once, I was happy. I was excited and I was motivated to appreciate what I had in life, but on the other hand, I was sad. I was alone in a city that was bigger than my head could comprehend. I was sitting on my own in a cold fast food chain that did not even give me delicious food. I was writing about wanting to be better. I was writing while others around me were laughing. Some were already drunk, while others were sharing food with their family. I felt homesick, but I also felt something else.

I felt stronger. I was in the most amazing city in the world and in minutes I knew that I was going to be surrounded by people that I love, people that love me for who I am. I was blessed, and so I wrote. I wrote about wanting to write more, I wrote about wanting to publish my work, I wrote about wanting to be more active in society, I wrote about wanting to be adventurous, and when my hand felt tired, and for old time sake, I wrote about losing weight and finding love. You never know, maybe this year would be the year that those two would come true. Crossing fingers!

Dedication or rather the lack of it :(

2011-12-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

And so again and again, I sit here writing about my failure. I guess failure is what teaches you who you are and what you can do or can't. I would love to be a writer one day and I already think that my writing here on this blog makes me feel better and I am sure I will use some of my posts for further writing, but I guess the discipline a writer needs and has to have, is not in ME...YET!

I was not able to write a novel in one month (check previous posts if you are confused dear reader). I am not sad about that, but I am sad that I do not put enough effort to do the things that make me the happiest. I love telling stories and I love being able to write down how I feel. I mostly enjoy adding small snippets of my life into my stories. I, yet again, have failed to do that. This won't be a sad post, I promise you, but it would be nice to stop and reflect sometimes.

I am sure most(if not all) of the famous inspirations I have in my life don't write/act/sing every book/movie/song they would like to. I am sure Khalid Hosseini has many ideas for stories in his head, but he doesn't write them all. I am sure Darren Criss has had many failed auditions in his career, and he knows that they lead him where he is right now (straight into my heart), and I am sure that Adele and Marcel Khalifa do not write every song that jumps in their head, yet I need to do that.

As a young amateur writer with big big dreams, I need to spend time doing what I like or what I aspire to be/do for the rest of my life. Although this time, I really did have excuses (my mother coming to visit me and us going to Las Vegas), but nevertheless I still need to put effort. I really believe that what you give, life gives back, and I am not giving enough!!

This post it to remind myself (and maybe the 1% who read me...O.k my friends) that we need to work hard in this life. It is becoming less hard to put your work out there. With the easiness of using the Internet, anyone can get published or read and I know for a fact that I haven't taken advantage of that.

Well, now is the time for me to get to reflect on why I am so afriad of letting go. It is so easy once you open that door, yet I haven't even peeked outside. I need to let go of the fear, of stereotypes or worries, and just open my arms to this world. I know it will receive me happily. I have exam week here, which means having to write two massive papers and then flying somewhere special for Christmas and then..Then I look for a new place to live (that is the topic of another post, I promise), and then I begin a whole new semester of dedicated ME! You just watch and see!

I said I will

2011-11-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

I said I will update you on my very ambitious journey to write a finished novel in one month. I said I will update you; I did not say that my news will be a happy one. I have not stopped writing and I will not stop until the end of this month, but I have to admit that I got caught up with life. It couldn't have been a better reason for delay for me since I had a lovely weekend with my mother. I do not regret it; I only know that I have to write more.

I am on page 23 and let's just say that I need to write a few words less than 3000 every single day to be able to finish on time, and guess what?! I will do it! I know that it will be hard especially that thanksgiving is coming up and I am travelling, but I have the time right now and I will seize it. The good news is that I had convinced my new good friend (J) to take this challenge with me and we both support each other and force ourselves to write together and on our own. I wish her luck as I wish myself.

This was a little update for you and hopefully by the end of this month, I will tell you if I failed or not. I might bend the words fail and say that I did my best or that it was my first trail... I guess we have to wait and see.

Much love and appreciation to those who read my words.

A stranger

2011-10-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

My blog is informing me that this is my 100'th post. If it is, then it is a reason to rejoice, but if it is not, then I have another reason and if you are a Palestinian, then you would know what it is. Today Palestine got its well deserved and late in time regoniztion from UNESCO. Waking up to read news about rejoice and "yes" being spoken with applause made my day happy. But to be honest, it made me miss home even more.

I haven't written about homesickness and I think it's very clear to me why! I am in awe of how much I miss Palestine and everything about it. I am nostalgic to minor details like Falafel shops, old women walking around with baskets on their head, and colloquial Arabic being spoken everywhere. I miss my friends and I can't begin to explain how much I miss my family. Something so magical happens when you travel abroad. No matter where you go to, be it a small village in Bosnia, or a large state in the United States of America, you are to miss where you came from. Is that the case with everyone, or is it just the romantic me?!

Having spent my last three months in a country that relies heavily on consumerism, a country that although controls the diplomacy of most of the world, is in deep debt and economical problem, a country that most importantly votes NO for Palestine to become an independent state, I feel like a stranger. I look around me on campus and I can't even find one person to relate to. The first few days spent in Orange, I texted my best friend telling her that "no one wears pants here!" I not only can't wear shorts, but I also cover my head and if that does not make you stick like a sore thumbhere then I don't know what will. My very decent clothes is not the reason I don't belong here, it's how I feel.

I feel lost between a world that I am living in, a world where students are not active, where short shorts and flip flops are the dress code, and between a country that I know I am positively exaggerating making it seem like a dream land. In that country, my heart and soul still belong. I know I will go back to Palestine and the minute I wake up from my dream, I will realize that Palestine is not as perfect as I am imagining it to be, but Palestine is mine to imagine. It is mine to exaggerate and it is mine to love. Palestine is the reason I stay awake until 4 am watching with red eyes and a stuffy throat the release of Palestinian freedom prisoners, it is the reason I wear Palestinian t-shirts, Palestinian mobile hangers and a map of Palestine as my key chain, not forgetting the massive flag on my wall.

Palestine is mine and that belonging is what is aching me. I do not belong in this small town called Orange. I do not belong in a house with two graduate students and an old lady (two dogs and a cat!). I do not belong in a university that has a holocaust museum (not that I deny anyone to preserve what they feel represent them). I do not belong in a country that can't equally treat its citizens. I don't belong here,but I know that to go back to my Palestine and to be an active memmber of society, I need to be here. I need to live in the now and I need to know myself more and more.

Having said that, I am still excited to belong to a community that will try to write a novel in a month. I begin tomorrow and I will write weekly to update you guys. I promise!

Do WHAT in a month?

2011-10-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

I seem to have forgotten that I have a blog. It's funny how you think that you will be doing more personal writing and reading when you enter a Creative Writing program, but for me, it has been the opposite. Since I have to write two short stories every other week, read more than 250 pages for American Literature class weekly, and to read two or more long articles on Literature theory- theories I do not fully grasp yet, it has been hard keeping up with my personal life. Reading and writing for pleasure has been outside the question.

I wanted to update my blog! I wanted to write about my days spent reading books about topics that I could never relate to, I wanted to write about my encounters with other students,and my narratives as a graduate. Yet, I wrote nothing. I forced myself to write in my journal, but day by day that page became two paragraphs, and these two paragraphs turned into one, and then it became three sentences, one sentence and now..nothingness!

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it. I can't write now, I tell myself; I won't be able to begin. I don't write emails to my best friend if we haven't talked in a few days. I ask her to come on skype and then I tell her all that had happened so when I email her, I will begin anew. As a writer and most importantly, as a graduate student, this scars me. I need to be able to begin writing emails and life narratives even if it will take me hours instead of minutes to write it all down. I need to be able to sit in a chair and write for half a day without using youtube and google for entertainment. I need to act like a graduate student!

That is why, I have decided to grow up and participate for the first time ever in Nanowrimo (http://www.nanowrimo.org) where I, along with thousands of writers and lovers of words, promise ourselves to write a novel of 50,000 words in a month! Sounds challenging? yes it is! I am very excited to be joining a community that forces me to write. I don't know what to write about it yet, but I still have..ONE more day! I might write a story about my life. I think I have lots of complaints and venting to do, but then again, I might really challenge myself and write about something else.

I will keep you updated and I will try my best to write more often and show you pictures and...oh wait a second..here you go patient subscribers (anyone there?), here are some pictures of my university:

This is my university:

Yeah! We have a field. See how long ago I took these pictures:

This is where most of the outdoors events happen:
And this is a small piece of the Berlin wall in our school:
This is where the student union is: This is our beautiful massive library and you are right: I do spend most of my time here:
And I try to be as quiet as possible. Other people don't :)
I always get the tables with the prettiest views. I believe it stimulates my brain:
More books please?

When "I love you" becomes the norm..

2011-08-28T16:23:00.001-07:00

I am glad I am writing these words in the university's library so that if I feel like crying, I would be embarrassed. The last time I wrote I was on my way to the U.S and I was complaining about my frozen heart not being able to shed a tear leaving. Well, let me tell you something, it has poured a river saying goodbye to the most amazing new people I met! How can I summarize three amazing weeks in one blog post?! I will try to be brief so bare with me.

Coming to the Pre-academic program in the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, I came expecting nothing major. I knew that I might learn one thing or two but, I never thought that I would meet a great family that will help me fall in love with myself, my religion, and my life once again. From the very first moment I knew that there was something special beginning to happen. I met a "Fulbrighter" in the airport and I realized in a second that it is so easy talking to someone who has had the same experience as myself. As the day progressed and I met others just like me, I was my self back again.

The first week passed very quickly that I forgot that I had left home a week before. My roommate was the perfect distraction. I don't know how it happened but I was matched with one of the nicest persons who not only had my style in music but also enjoyed my late night mean jokes. All of which made the transition from Palestine to North Carolina not only stable but happy. I met assistants who affected my life and who connected with us as if they knew us since childhood. I was able to challenge myself and ride on very scary roller coaster rides (twice), I was ready to take the challenge of walking on ropes only because I had these people in front and behind me as we went to the White Water Center. But most importantly, I was able to share my religious beliefs without any judgment nor prejudice.

Ramadan, a holy month that is usually celebrated with family and friends, began the day our program began. Going into this experience, I was afraid of feeling alienated and miserable being the only one who fasted. It is true that other Muslims were present and some did fast but my support system came from non-Muslims. These were the ones who waited to eat their meals with me, who asked me questions so they wouldn't be ignorant about my religion, and who encouraged me day in and day out to be myself and to follow what I believe in. To these people I say "thank you".

I came to North Carolina not expecting to fall in love but, I did! I fell in love with the Southern U.S hospitality, with the decency and honesty of the teachers who did their best to teach us a piece of the American graduate life (whether we needed it or not is another question :)), and quickly with the Fulbrighters around me. I am now a changed person because of these people. I am glad I am writing while we have each departed into their destination university because coming to Orange Country, California, I see how different these guys were. I had an International Graduate orientation and I could not connect with anyone the way I did with them. I was not able to share my self, my crazy sides, and my thoughts with them as easily as I did back in N.C. This does not make me sad, it only affirms that what I had experienced was truly a "once in a lifetime" experience and I couldn't be happier! I never thought that I would end each skype session with "I love you" to people I met three weeks ago. I never thought that I would have group skype sessions where the men and women alike would wear mock headscarves to support me as I wear mine. I never thought my life will depend on the happiness and comfort of 36 people I "just" met.

And because of that, I want to thank everyone I met in North Carolina from the amazing students to the cool assistants, from the firm yet professional director to the kind professors, from the amazing staff at the Hampton inn where we stayed in to the smiling cashier men and women who treated us like kings and queens. I will carry the memories I saved, the experiences I went through, and the pictures I took,deep in my heart. For as long as it beats, these people will be around me, with me and a part of me.

Jordan, again!

2011-07-29T10:08:00.001-07:00

I haven't written here in a while and I feel that this is for the best. If I had spent at least a little bit of time reflecting on my emotions and what I am going through, I am sure I would have created a post that no one would want to read. I am not even sure people read my cheery positive pieces of writing, so how about a sad mellow post about how ugly and scary, yet exciting and ambitious it is to leave mama and the homeland for a two year program in the O.C, the land of rich and famous in California's Chapman University!

SO instead I spent my last month in Palestine preparing for my journey. The preparation wasn't mental at all. I spent my time meeting my friends in lousy cafes talking about how awful it would be to not see them get engaged. I spent it buying clothes that I pretended would not be sold in the U.S. I spent it listening to songs that I thought would mean something to me. I did not spend it looking at almond trees as they blossom. I did not waste my time looking at how people greet each other on the streets. I didn't laugh out loud with children who played on the road. I did not spend it collecting images of people who affected my life: my best friends, my nanny who smelled like cooked grape leaves, my young relatives whose eyes reflect a life time. I spent my last month anticipating the moment I would leave.

In the end and after many sleepless nights and secret diary writings, I left Ramallah with no tears. I hugged my parents without words and I kept my emotions inside until I lost them. I feel numb. I know that something extra huge is happening right now, but I still can't understand it. I am living so much in the moment (something I aspired to have) that right now I am not thinking of my 20 days to be spent in N.C meeting graduate students from around the world while fasting in the hot humid weather; I am simply thinking of writing these words, of the fish tank close to my eyes and of how shallow Jordan sometimes can be!

More posts will be posted and more emotions will surely be discovered through my two year experience but right now I can only say that I am in Jordan, that it is hot and that sometimes I feel weird knowing that something new is about to slap me gently on the hand! well..I am ready! are you?

The complex simplicity of Istanbul-part: 3

2011-07-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

As my face is swelling from another wisdom tooth operation (aren't you glad I didn't bore you about it like the last time?), I am continuing to think about Turkey and its beauty. As promised today's post will talk about the historical places I saw while visiting Istanbul.
1) Taksim Square:

I don't know how important this status is but it symbolizes Turks love and admiration to the "republic" founder. This is him looking very serious. Now I haven't read much (o.k any) books about Ataturk, but I honestly do no like the man. Don't get me wrong I do like the fact the this man kicked out sultans who were loaded with cash and women, but I have a dislike because his notions of a country makes women unable to freely choose what to wear. If you do not know, women in Turkey are not allowed to wear headscarves in the public sector which is insane since more than 90% of Turks are Muslims. Don't get me wrong here, if a women does not want to wear a headscarves by all means by my guest, but to be told what and what not to wear makes Turkey not one of my favorite countries.
2)Galata Tower:

We saw this beautiful old tower that overlooks Istanbul and the beautiful Bosphorus on our first day. We were tired and had to walk upwards for a few minutes, so let us just say that I had no idea about the importance of this tower. As I am reading about it three weeks behind, I am appreciating the history behind all of these monuments. I won't bore you with detail but it is good to know that this tower is OLD! and this is how it looks from the top:

3)The Blue Mosque:

(the only picture not taken by my lovely camera,but from Google pictures)
Inside the mosque:

Now I have heard so many beautiful things said about this mosque and I sort of expected it to be very blue, but it was not that blue. It was magnificent though. It looks amazing and has a funny history to it. Sultan Ahmed who apparently asked for it to be built when he was 19, wanted to surpass its neighboring Aya Sofia which was once a church. It is up to you to decide which one is better. The Blue Mosque had lots of visitors coming in on the day we went:

4)Aya sofia:
Since people usually show you the outside of this beautiful place, I decided to show you the inside. This is how huge it looks. Look at the lights!

Since this served as a Christian Cathedral you can see the image of Jesus Christ and his mother which I believe is a first in a Muslim mosque.

It looked amazing and the whole atmosphere was enchanting. I also used a headphone tour which told me the meaning of every item inside. That was interesting.
5)Basilica Cistern (sunken palace): Which is where the Ottomans used to keep their water, or that is what my mother explained when we entered this underground huge cave:

Then there is this famous Madusa's head. It looks green because of the decay and the water effect, but it is huge, no?

I don't know its significance so just enjoy the look of it :)
And now we have arrived at the most "interesting" places we have been to:
6)Topkapi Palace: where the Sultans used to chill out for over 400 years. I was extremely interested to see how this place looks like and it was HUGE!

From the minute we entered you could see how fancy this place was. It has several rooms filled with golden ornaments preserved in glass boxes, it had women chambers called "harem", it had many fancy things that made me think:" ha! I wonder how many slaves were used to make this" and "Ha! so they collected all of this gold and silk clothes and yet they died alone". It is just so sad to see humans waste time in collecting such golden attire and furniture. I do understand the building of such great monuments because they represent the architectural mood of that century, but to waste so much effort in collecting and making diamond door nobs and golden watched. Come on! I was feeling very silly entering such chambers and seeing how much was wasted. Ahh the Ottomans..We sure do not miss you!
7)Dolmabahçe Palace: And finally we went to see another human mockery. Look at how fancy this place is:

The statues are fancy:

even the animals are show off and fancy:

This place embodies what is wrong with palaces- too much stuff. My sister and I took a tour inside where we were forbidden to take pictures, but I can still see corridor after corridor of expensive paintings, of expensive furniture, of expensive clocks. This is the place were Ataturk slept, this is where he died, this is where his wife slept...WHo cares?! or maybe some people do care. My sister seemed interested. At some point, I was interested to see this mockery as well.
To end on a happy note, I am glad the Ottama period is over. I am glad the Arab world is revolting against old leaders sucking the life out of ordinary human beings. I am glad I went to Turkey and I am glad I forced myself to write about it.
What is next? A thank you post to Istanbul and the Flotilla. Coming soon!

A poem in response to..

2011-06-26T01:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a poem in while but as I was walking with my friend on the streets of Ramallah, this one stupid animal of a man decided to walk very close to me and touch my behind....JUST LIKE THAT....Because nothing is embarrassing about injustice, I decided to share what I wrote in response.

"I wonder if you would
feel the same
If it was your sister
Who was touched in an instant,
I wonder if you would keep looking
at your mobile
when she would scream “HEY!!”

I wonder if you would see me
in your dreams from now on
A young lady screaming
at a turning back,
I wonder if your “loving” touch to the wife
Would be rejected,
She feels disgusted
women always know!
It’s the connection with a feminine soul.

I wonder if you would hear my shouts
Every morning when you wake up,
I wonder if you would sleep hearing
my insults in your ear,
I wonder if you look at your face
and feel my spit
It wasn’t delivered but transferred it should be
through karma that I pray will soon hit you

I wonder if you will feel embarrassed
Walking with your sister on the street,
Maybe a guy like you
would touch a girl like her,
I wonder if she would be silent,
Or if he would be treated like you,
With a curse, a yell and a poem
Since you, man in a suit and a red shirt,
Have touched the wrong poet!

No I did not shower after getting home,
My eyes are dry as your soul
My underwear I threw,
I do not need the memory.
My soul is cleaned,
It’s yours that needs to be washed,
I do not forgive you
For I haven’t seen a face,
In my dreams you will be that guy
wearing a suit
Checking his mobile
Looking downward,
Where I hope one day
you will descend.

You touched my behind
and it was for a second
On a well lit busy street
When I was with a friend.
I hope we meet again,
In a well lit street,
Me with a friend
And you with a dying conscious

I wonder if it shows on your face,
I hope it does
I hope the wife leaves you,
I hope you become barren as the “waste land”
And I hope I keep writing about you
Accelerating karma and the punishment of the one"

The complex simplicity of Istanbul-part: 2

2011-06-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

If you ask me what makes a country special its history would be the first thing I know I should say, but wouldn't. I'll probably say the "feel" of it. By "feel" I mean the atmosphere, the food, the music, the people, their clothes and their manners. I guess my depiction of a country is quiet different than the rest of the world, but here goes mine anyway:

Istanbul as I told you before welcomed me very warmly- its weather was hot, its people spoke Arabic, and its vibe was contagious. On our first day, my mother and I having arrived a few hours before my sister, decided to take a stroll into the famous Taksim Square followed by the even more famous Istiklal street. I was taken in awe by how much people knew Arabic. It's not that Arabic is a weird languge to know, but it just made me appreciate their effort to attract Arab tourists, who apparently wonder the city every summer! Here are some funny Arabic signs:

I like how they insist that they do NOT have alcoholic drinks.

Every time I would walk by a vendor or a cafe, a person whose apparent job is to call on customrs would immediately shift his English or Turkish languge into a funny tone of Arabic asking me to come over and eat! There was this guy once who told us to come have something to eat (this was spoken in English, but it is funny still), and when we said that we had just eaten (which was the honest truth), the guy said:" but you look hungry still!" and that made us laugh. Turkish shopkeepers have the ability to entertain you as they annoy the hell out of you. It was still warm and the "feel" of the grand bazaar that we went to afterwards was the warmest, if not the most annoying. Here are some pictures from inside the long long tunnel that is the "Grand Bazaar". Please do not mind the bad quality but on that day, I was too tired to bring my camera, so my old mobile had to do:

delicious Turkish Delight that I did not even taste. I just don't like sweets! don't kill me.

Since I have been talking about food and sweets, here are some pictures of beautiful dinners we had as well as views from rooftop that were honestly breathtaking.

This is when we went to a famous Ottoman restaurant. It served very old recipes and added a hint of modernity to it. I am afraid to say that I did not like my chicken dish and I found the place unfriendly and not to my taste. My sister had the melon dish and my mother had the other weird dish (I am sure that is not what each plate was called, but I am oblivious to that era).

Can someone tell them that that tiny plate is not enough for me?

I never knew melons made great dishes :)

"Istanbul 360", I did like:

I liked how it was standing on a rooftop and how the view from outside is amazing. I was not able to get many shots of the view but the memory is in my heart and the images of the food are forever saved. I orderd the Salmon and it was superb!

My mom's dish:

My sister's pizza:

A weird looking but delicious appetizer:

On our last few days, we went to a simple cozy fish place that was the most comfortable for me. I loved the space, and I most importantly loved the food. My salmon (are you seeing a trend?) was amazing and the waiters were very polite and might I add, cute? :)

My first time having a fish soup:
My beautiful orange salmon:

Other food that I did not dare to taste:

And with this, I conclude today's post. I promise to write more about the history and the monuments the coming days, but beware I have many negative remarks!

The complex simplicity of Istanbul-part: 1

2011-06-11T13:16:00.001-07:00

Hello! I recently went on a trip with my mother and sister. Quite frankly the trip, regardless of its destination was going to be interesting. I never traveled with my mother and sister alone, and I was very excited to experiment a girls trip to Istanbul. Now I would be lying to say that it was all laughs and Turkish delights because it was not, but this post will not trash out my family members (I'll save that to another day). Today I want to share with you what Istanbul felt to me.

My first memories with Istanbul are somehow negative. We were supposed to take a one day trip to Istanbul on our family reunion trip to Bosnia in 2008. A mistake from someone led us to believe that Palestinian passports do not need a Turkish visa from their own country, but can obtain it from the airport (like the rest of the world), but unfortunately that was not true. Therefore I spent 12 exact hours stuck in the airport waiting for my relatives to visit Istanbul and then come back to fly with me to Bosnia. I know that this mistake was ours and not the Turks fault, but I felt bitter in the mouth and was expecting the same feelings going "legally" this time!

Boy oh boy how wrong I was! Istanbul welcomed me with its beautiful weather, its nice (um sometimes too nice?) people, and its intricate nature. I was not able to fathom Istanbul's beauty until I started to see how contradictory everything was there. You were able to see very ancient mosques built one thousand years ago standing neck to neck to new modern buildings with lables as "Benetton" "Express" and "Sephora". I was amazed to see women fully covered in black walking side by side to young attractive ladies wearing mini skirts at the Grand Bazaar. Istanbul paints a very delighted picture of how it would look to be different living under one roof. I am of course outraged and disgusted by Turkey's governmental rules banning women of wearing the headscarf in work places and universities, but I am encouraged by what I saw on the streets. People were very confident wearing black coverings as they were when revealing a little bit too much, and that is healthy I feel. Freedom is having the option to choose what you want to wear. I do not mind people revealing their skin if they allow me to cover mine the way I want when and where I want to.

Istanbul received us with amazing smells, with nagging market sellers and with complex simplicity. Life should be like that- it should smell of delicious food, should have a spectacular view of the Bosphorus, and should have people very different from each other living in harmony together.

Be prepared for more pictures and rantings in the coming blog posts.

Does Positivity work? an example from Youtube!

2011-05-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

So if you are one of my 6 or 7 best friends/readers of my blog then you will know that I have been doing a very open experiment. I had decided to test for all of you out there if positivity, "the secret", and wishful thinking work. Guess what? THEY DO!!!!

I got accepted into Chapman University which was my second option out of four universities. I had my heart set out for D.C., but I understand now that god has a different plan for me. Life can sometimes be really funny. We can be chasing and "manifesting" for an event but god would have something else planned that will always turn our heads around and make us say:"ahhh that is why god chose this instead of that"! I love this about life. I know that there is something waiting for me to happen in Orange County in California, and I am excited about it BUT truth be told, this has not been my initial reaction.

The emotions you get the first seconds that you get good news that you have been waiting for are mostly never remembered. What I do remember is feeling excited yet anxious and with a hint of "oh my god" and many many more small minor thoughts swimming in the ocean of what is my brain. I immediately thought of my plan to tell my near and dear ones(including writing a poem to one friend, sending a letter to another, and making a cake to my parents) but I could not NOT tell anyone so I called my best friend "SH"! It is so remarkable what a best friend can do to ease your worries: she shouts! My best friend "SH" has always been the one who knows how to take in my excitement and transform it into something understandable and useful. I did take a cake that had the word "accepted" into my father's and mother's offices and surprised them with the news, but I was still not completely aware of what has happened.

Of course after the joy and excitement comes the fear and the illogical worries that I can honestly say I usually have doubled. Here is how my thinking progressed. California= great weather= beaches= me wearing a headscarf= me being different on the beach= me being discriminated against?= me freaking out! I immediately went to youtube, the source of all good and typed in "Arabs in America" and then "Muslims in California" and here is what I watched:

One video led to another until I,with tears and worry watched this video about discrimination towards gays.

I have always saluted my self (no it's not boasting; it's just self-accepting :) for being open minded and for making my own opinions on people. Even though I am a Muslim woman living in Palestine I have never ever thought negatively about gays. I have always seen them as being different, not bad and not better than anyone else. Just different, and I liked different! Slowly and after watching the episodes that followed about negative responses gays were getting, I came across a video made by depfox, a family made out of two husbands and two adopted children. Let me tell you something, this family has made me love "different" ten times better. One of their best:

and a funny video here:

As soon I saw one of their videos I could not stop watching. I do admit that watching Bryan does not hurt the eye, but I was watching it for more serious issues and I soon realized that this gay family has inspired me. I do understand that someone out there is asking why and how can a gay couple with two kids inspire a Muslim woman living miles and miles away. Well here is how:

1) They are a perfect example of what a nice positive family should be, that on its own is inspiring for the future. It does not matter if you marry someone of the same sex or not, as long as you have a positive understanding family.

2) They are showing an example of a peaceful act of activism, something that we could all learn from. Instead of being upset at how the world and especially America where they live treats gays, they have decided to make people see what living in a gay family is: It is full of unconditional love, it is educated, and it inspires.

3) I was personally inspired by their refusal to change who they are to fit society. This is what I will be doing in the fall. I will go to the United States and I will emerge in the culture and appreciate the American life, but I will not change my values along the way. I will not wear a bikini in order to swim and I will not adhere to peer pressure that tells me to drink or smoke. I will be who I am because I am proud of who I am.

I have been very excited about knowing more and more about the gay community and what it is fighting for and that is not because I am gay( god knows I am a man lover ever since I saw "Captain Rabeh" on T.V when I was 7):

but because I truly believe in human rights and equality for all. Being Palestinian and living under constant occupation you are reminded of the little rights that we do not posses, like moving around and having a state, but that should not deter us from at least wishing that the entire world would have their own rights. I do think that when the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) get their rights, and the African Americans get their rights and women get their rights, and eventually WE Palestinians get our state and our rights, the world would be a better place.

This place would be a place where I would not worry about wearing a headscarf anywhere in the world, where my future daughter would have her complete rights to move around Palestine and visit Jerusalem and check out the little small town that was once her great grandfather's farm but was destroyed in the 1948 war, a place were people would not care about who you love and who you marry. I sincerely believe that once we start removing small prejudices and start to see the entire picture, for example that gays are free to choose who to marry and that Palestine is in fact under brutal occupation, then we would be living in one of Jay and Bryan's little video: medium short, funny and full of love, and now A MOVIE. Here is the preview:

Here is my point: when you treat one ethnic group, or one minority in a right way, this will have a ripple effect to those around it. As we Palestinians are commemorating 63 years of occupation tomorrow, I am reminded through the Leffew family and their kids that you need to be "the change you want to see in the world". Here is for a free Palestine and a free world full of love and appreciation!

Last day of challenge..the next day!

2011-05-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

How sensible it is that I forgot to write on my last day of VEDA plus two?!I seriously was about to fall asleep when I realized that I haven't written a post yet, and what a big post it was supposed to be:reflections on my 30 days! But that is why writing is so powerful to me. I can stop writing in my journal for months and the minute I hold the pen to write again, it feels completely normal and it gives the same amount of relieve as it always did!

Writing to me is really a compulsion; It is something I have to do. It is something that I enjoy doing. Being forced to write for 30 consecutive days did not bother me as I had first anticipated; It actually made me want to do interesting things in the day, so I can write about them at night. Having to go through something as a breakup is tough, but writing about it and reflecting on it after a year was both therapeutic and terrifying, yet the most obscured and brave thing I believe I did in this challenge was put my positivity on the test. I have decided to make a long harsh waiting period become a challenging scared positivity test and I would not have done it without writing. Now fingers crossed that I don't shame both myself,the movement of positivity and my writing!

As the world rejoiced in the killing of Osama Bin Laden, I rejoice the gift of writing! Having a blog, even if not read by many, is what keeps me both sane and crazy. It shines light on my creative side but allows me to be as honest and canning as I want! Thank you for spending those 30 days with me. I am sure we will meet again with more random posts and maybe more 30 day challenges?!

Now back to sleep!

2 more days!

2011-05-01T12:11:00.001-07:00

O.k so tomorrow will be my last day to successfully complete this challenge and I will write a profound detailed post about my experience and what it meant for me to write daily. For today, I will write about going to the gym and how challenging eating can be!

I know that in my last posts I have talked about losing weight and how great it can be, but finishing my 3 month subscription was awful. I was hooked to the training and when I had to stop it (my birthday and then wisdom tooth pulled out and then sickness), I felt it was weird coming back. I seriously missed more than 24 continuous days. I went back for two days and then my subscription was over. I had a bad week where I was eating way too much and felt very bad about my health. But since this whole blog challenge is about challenging ourselves, I am coming back strong. I already bought new running shoes(picture below) and I have called a new gym and asked about classes and hopefully tonight I will sleep early and tomorrow go join a new better gym. I wish my new gym would have the same running machines as the ones in the picture. I hate it when the machines are opposite to each other so you see the person in front of you. I wish it was us runners looking outside!

Here is to honesty and to better health. No more late snacks and no more aimless eating which I am an active participant in.

Negative!

2011-04-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hello. I had a very interesting talk with a friend tonight. Her and I were discussing negative people and the extent to which we should keep them. Should we be around people who make us feel less great? Should we be with people who are judgmental and cruel? Should we befriend people who are always down and expect us to be blue as they are? Our answer to those thoughts is: NEVER!

I believe we should all appreciate who we are and always aim to be motivated positively. Reading this blog, I hope that you see me as someone who tries to be better every day. I am still "manifesting" my M.A scholarship and I sure do hope that in the end I win it. I feel that being around people who put you down and make you feel insecure is not good! As "The Secret" teaches, when we become positive and motivated, we "attract" people who are the same as we are! Having a friend in need or someone who sometimes feels negative is of course alright. We can't lie that we are humans and we sometimes fall back, but we need to always remember to be...

Royal Wedding!

2011-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone will expect me to talk about the "Royal Wedding" and I will. The only reason I watched it was that John Green's author friend Maureen Johnson was doing a live broadcast commenting on the event. I was hooked! I had BBC on the T.V. and a headphone in my right ear listening to Maureen's witty and some times cruel "alternative"commentary.

I, as many of the viewers worldwide but especially in the Middle East think nothing major about any royal wedding, but in such circumstances like the ones we are living through, we couldn't care less! We look at church ornaments and the amount of hats worn on many princes and princesses and we wonder how much it costs! We look at the massive number of horses and wonder where they came from. We look at how clean the streets are and wonder how little were the cleaners paid! Call me a cynic, but this wedding made me think of several negative things about the world.

BUT...This wedding although amazingly expensive and exaggerated reminded me that true love does exist. A prince (whom I had a crush on...moving on)can fall in love with a sweet "commoner" and she can literally have a royal fairy tale wedding! It also reminded me that we can judge people very quickly. I saw lots of tweets bashing not only the wedding but the bride and groom. I don't think hating on people in love does us any good. Yes, the wedding was amazingly "posh",but that is not the fault of a prince who was born this way and a woman who couldn't but fall in love with him! May love always prevail and may we once start believing in the goodness of people all over again!

Reading Arabic Literature

2011-04-28T13:08:00.001-07:00

If you know me, then you would know that I am a huge fan of reading. I mostly read English books which makes sense since I have a B.A in English Language and Literature, but I am also an Arab which makes me entitled to read Arabic. I realize today after finishing one of the most sad short stories I have ever read that I have been a coward!

I usually don't read Arabic Palestinian literature because I fear reading things that would deepen my heart ache. As a Palestinian too many things about my history ache my soul. I would cry my heart out reading about the way we became refugees. I would have nightmares reading about Palestinian prisoners' agony and torture in Israeli prisons and that has been my excuse for not reading Arabic books. I can read about the mysteries of life with both its sadness and joy, but only in a language that is not mine(English) and about people who are not part of who I am. Reading about Palestinians from Palestinians or Arabs can be a pain. I have experienced this pain today finishing "the land of sad oranges" by the famous Ghassan Kanafani, the Palestinian refugee born in Akka and later murdered by the Israeli "Mosad" in Lebanon:

This collection of short stories tell the simple yet repetitive story of Palestinian refuges, refuges who were once children witnessing the murder of not only their land, but their parents and siblings. This book reminded me of why it's important to read such literature: to never forget! I am a peaceful Palestinian who believes that everyone should have the right to live freely, but when it comes to Palestinian refugees like my deceased grandfather, those beautiful souls need to be reimbursed, need to seek their own choice of where to live, and need to be carried on our heads for their sacrifices. Reading Kanafani's book reminded me of a time where oranges were a symbol of a land, where guns were held by noble men. I feel pain and I feel sorrow, but this pain is what many Palestinians live under every day, I should at least share their pain once in a while, no?

May you rest in peace Ghassan Kanafani and may your legacy help us become better Palestinians. May Palestine one day be completely free!

Cooking!

2011-04-27T12:03:00.001-07:00

Because I am jobless right now and because I like to help, but mostly because I am unemployed I cook every once or twice a week! Thankfully my mother works and sometimes I am needed in the kitchen. I had always enjoyed watching people cook. I grew up loving the taste of Arabic food and now I can say that I know how to produce delicious dishes that my parents love, and my brother, our family food critic approves 95% of the times!

I like to think of myself as someone who enjoys cooking for others. There is something very special about using your time and energy to make food! The food you make to someone you love will be even better than normal because that person who will eat it knows that you made it ESPECIALLY for them! I guess that is why I love to cook for my family. It makes me able to share my fondness with them. Cooking food needs not only experience and boldness but also as we in the Arab world say "Nafas" which is your soul in the food. You put a piece of you, a tiny breath of you in that food, and if you are not sick, then you have achieved a nice meal made from love.

Although I usually don't like jotting down advice that my mom shares with me on making food, I think it would be great for me to teach my future son and daughter on how to cook the basics. I feel that teaching your kids essentials is very important and especially in cooking. I don't like parents who force any sort of teaching on their children, but a hint here and a push to the right direction is never too bad, right?

Let's talk about US!

2011-04-26T11:29:00.001-07:00

Since I realized a long time ago that my blog hosts a huge platform for personal information about myself, I've decided to move to the next step. I will tell you about some of my "rituals" since being unemployed leaves me with no funny or sad work stories.

1) I love to brush my teeth!
2) I sleep on my right side, but before I get ready to settle on that side, I usually lay on my left side. Why? no reason at all.
3) I love having green tea after food, especially lunch.
4) I've recently realized that I like to jump on tables or chairs whenever I hear happy news or when I am excited (which happens a lot when you have no BIG exciting news)! Weird but that's just me.
5)I barely say "hello" when answering phone calls from friends. I usually add their nick name or sometimes because I think I am funny, I say " this is Palendia speaking" except I use my real name :)

On a more serious note,this post is not about MY personal traits, but about more than that. I think it's very important to notice the little things that make you happy and the small ways in which you show your true colors. I hate to think that we hide our true selves from people around us because we fear labeling. I laugh in a loud way and I cry often in movies and while watching episodes. I hate practical jokes and I see nothing wrong with people who are gays, and that is who I am. I will not fear being judged and I think we should all be like that. The world is always a better place when its inhabitants are happier in their own skins. Here are some "inspirational" songs to exemplify:

1)

I love glee version of the song above.

2) O.k ignore the video of this one. Just enjoy the lyrics:

3) a classic:

4) Whenever something is wrong with a relationship or with life, listen to this please:

promises!

2011-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

The thing about making promises to our selves is that sometimes it's hard to admit that we failed. Very often we live our life making sure that we do whatever people want us to do; we promise them to be there and we are. We call when we say we would and we feel awful when we fail or fall behind on our promises to our friends and family. When it comes to our own promises and ambitions though, sometimes we let it slide.

I made the decision to take better care of myself on yesterday's post, but I failed to make that happen. I slept at 2 and although I was tired when I woke up, I decided to admit that I failed and still go to the gym. Realizing that you care more about people's happiness that yours needs courage but once realized, it becomes easier. I will keep on trying to sleep early and wake up more energized and I know that in the end it will work :)

I am still positively manifesting my own destiny. I have printed out the page writing on variant fonts the universities I applied to and the ones I desire more. I take a fair amount of time every night thinking about myself in the U.S. I envision studying in a good school, meeting awesome people and writing! I imagine myself living comfortably and doing my best. A little silly thing I imagine too is thinking of the ways I will let my close friends and family know about my acceptance! This is what positivity is about: KNOWING that you will attain what you desire.

Sleep!

2011-04-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

O.k so I read an article today that states how important it is to sleep and wake up early! I, of course, know about the energy you receive waking up early and having enough sleep. Being unemployed as I am, sometimes it takes courage/boredom to sleep early, but having received a beautiful email today from Canada saying that I motivate my best friend by trying to motivate myself often, I have decided to have a regular healthy sleep pattern.

I will vow to try my best to be in bed around 11:30 and never to sleep later than 9. Does that seem ambitious? I will let you know! I do think that waking up early will make me more energetic and more willing to go to the gym which is a necessary now since I read that sleeping late makes you FAT! It does sound bizarre saying it like that, but the article states that certain hormones are more "excited" at night and these hormones are responsible for making you want to eat more! Fine fine I am sure there is a better explanation but it's almost 10:40 here and I need to start getting ready for bed :)

Check out this song that should be out motto:

Experiment!!

2011-04-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

O.k so if this works out, then it will prove once and for all that the mix of positive attitude, wishful thinking and a little bit of "secret of attraction" works! if it does not work, I guess I will be a little bit embarrassed! so for you readers this post is beneficial both ways. If I succeed in my "experiment" then you will learn how to attain what you wish for. You will also win if I fail because let us be honest: people secretly enjoy the suffering and embarrassment of fellow friends and family. O.k so if you done with questioning your consciousness, let us begin.

I told you a few months ago that I had applied to a Masters scholarship in the United States. I guess I failed to update you on that. I got nominated for an interview while I was in Bosnia. Although it took them days to finally agree to conduct it on Skype, I thought it went great. I received word later that I had been nominated. Choosing and then applying to four universities for a Creative Writing program was the most nerve-recking experience! O.k cross that out because WAITING to hear back from those universities while having no job in Palestine is the most nerve recking! I have been waiting for more than 4 months and it's almost time to hear back. What is the experiment you ask?

I am going to manifest my own destiny!!! I am going to only think of the university that I want to enroll in and guess what? I am going to get there! I have read enough positive inducing self help books, I have met enough positive people in my life, and I have watched "the secret". I think I am ready for this! I have had the exciting emotion that I was about to hear good news twice so far. I think the third time is the charm. I am going to make myself believe that I will get into the university of my choice and I will attract my choice and be accepted and then move out to the States by Septemeber.

The hard thing right now is setting my mind to which university I really want to go to( I chose four pretty good programs so you see my confusion). Until I re-read university websites and program information, I will focus on getting accepted to A university and then once I figure out which one, I will focus on THAT one! deal?! I know it all seems crazy, but again it's a "win-win" situation for you guys. I am the one who will be publically shamed if I don't get into any university. O.k so now I need to focus all my attention on getting accepted. "The Secret" mentions that you have to remind yourself of what you desire constantly, day-dreaming about attaining it, envisioning your life with it, and simply "living" it. I will print out a paper that says in huge font : "University in the U.S!" I don't need to write down the exact words of what I want, I just need to see them every day. O.K!

Here goes nothing...If I get in, I will be the happiest woman alive. If I do not...Then I guess plan "B" will have to work for now. What is plan "B" you might ask? well, why do I need to think of it if I KNOW that I will get into a masters' program very very soon!? tricked you!

The King's Speech

2011-04-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw "The king's speech" and I absolutely loved it. I did feel that it was a little bit long, but overall it was spectacular. I did not only like the story of one man's perseverance against his speaking problem, but I mostly liked his therapist who reminded me of why I love teaching: it's so rewarding to help others. Imagine being the one person who not only befriended the king, but also helped him overcome his illness and become a king worthy of his throne. A great story! Colin Firth deserves his many awards including the Golden Globe and the Oscar for best actor.

This film makes you appreciative of the small things we have, like our ability to speak. I, for instance, would be useless without my speech since I plan on becoming a full time teacher. I am very appreciative of the fact that I can write down my thoughts and in doing so I release my emotions and get in touch with my inner soul. I am appreciative of the fact that I am waiting for a scholarship. Did I tell you that I am waiting for a scholarship? Tomorrow I am going to speak more about that~~~~~plus a small experiment.

Nothing much to report on a Friday since it's not usually my favorite day, but I did clean my closet and my mother was right: "cleaning your room cleans your mind". Bless your heart mom!

Football in Ramallah

2011-04-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. Can we talk about the mad obsession with supporting either Spain's Real Madrid or Barcelona's football teams?

This is amazingly funny yet serious at the same time. So Palestinians are obsessed with watching sports especially football and I understand that. It's very adrenaline-rushing and sort of entertaining to support a team, especially a good one that always wins, but does it ever get "too much". My story will let you say "YES!"

Today early morning, at 1:30 AM there were many cars honking on our street. I decided that it must have been Fateh supporters celebrating whatever votes they were able to "pay for" in whatever election in one of the universities in Palestine (yeah I always take any opportunity to trash people I don't like :)), but when more cars joined in, I decided to check local internet websites to see if something worth celebrating happened. I found zero, so I decided to check football games (cuz other than weddings and football games and University elections, what do we scream in joy for?) and BINGO...There was a serious match between Barcelona and Real Madrid in which Real Madrid team won nil to one earning a cup! I could not stop smiling. Why do these supporters feel the need to scream and shout and honk at one in the morning?!! It's not like it's a Palestinian team or even an Arab team that they should be happy for!

I seriously do not understand the fever most Palestinian men have for supporting foreign teams. I enjoy watching football games most of the time and I do watch world cup games religiously, but I support teams that mean something to me. I may support Brazil because if a poor country can ace a team why won't I support it? I may support Spain's team because I have Spanish friends or even if for the silly reason that the team members are cute! but that happens every four years and not every month or even every week. I see my brother get happy when his team wins and feel agitated and upset when his team loses and I ask my self why does he bother? It takes lots of energy and time to watch every game and to read all the news and to feel the ups and downs of winning and losing.

I understand that sports are supposed to induce positive cheering and supporting for those who play best, but I highly doubt this happens here in Palestine. I just heard that in the middle of the night yesterday a fight erupted between supporters of both teams! The police were called in! You must be kidding me. Palestinian youths who need to be doing so much more for our cause and for our education are sitting in cafes watching football and fighting over the score! This must be hilarious! I don't want to sound judgmental yet again, but this is silly!

Eating outside!

2011-04-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

Every Wednesday my best friend "SH" and I meet for our weekly outing. We debate and usually argue and before we start acting chivalrous, we finally agree on a cafe or restaurant to spend out free 3-4 hours. Every week we hang out outside I wonder why we do it. I don't think I have anything against wasting money sometimes. I don't think women need 30 pairs of shoes, but I forgive my mother for spending her much deserved and earned money on something tangible that she uses. Makeup is another hilarious material that women spend way too much money on, but I am O.K with it. Yet when it comes to dressing up and going out to get something that you can easily get at home:food, that becomes a bit silly.

Before you call me crazy, I'll let you know that I think going out every once in a while is nice. Married couples should do that sometimes so the wife or husband can stop cooking every day and enjoy a day where they get pampered for a night, but how about us:the youth? If I had my own house, I would definitely love to continuously host a party or a gathering where my friends and I hang out. A great night for me would be my close friends sitting on sofas barefoot wearing comfortable clothes. That would be a great granted that their foot will not smell!

I don't know why I don't love cafes. I think they embarrass me. I hate to be served and especially by older guys. I am not saying it's wrong to work when you are old, but I feel certain jobs are meant for young guys, like serving tables, cleaning bathrooms and driving taxis. Other jobs need older men/women to do them. Am I being judgmental and crazy? Maybe. I am just saying that it really annoys me to see older men here in Ramallah serving young unappreciative sons and daughters. Call me old fashioned but I think older women and men deserve more respect, and working as a waiter does not grant that!

Beginnings?

2011-04-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

It seems I took a break from blogging yesterday. It was not intentional; it just happened and when I remembered to write, it was already the next day! I had planned to answer the questions that I had asked in previous posts, so let us begin:

1) I would be more inclined to tell secrets to my friends than my family. I love my family but I feel that friends "get" you more and understand the issues that bother you because they are your age and they have struggled with the same beasts as you have IN THE SAME DECADE AS YOU HAVE.

I sometimes test my mom's awesomeness by asking her to solve my friends' dilemmas. She has passed some major trick questions. Cool mamas are cool :)

2) I think parents should not argue with their kids in front of others, especially in huge family reunions like the one my family hosted in our village house. I always have an eye on parents during family gatherings. I like to see how behaved their kids are! In our gathering, there was this small kid who seemed to upset my mother. He kept playing football next to mama's flowers and as you would have guessed, Momzi is not a fan of people messing around her delicately picked flowers. I don't know if you can enter a child's mind at 7 years old and explain such stuff. Can you? Can you teach children not to act "childish" in front of others? I really pity parents! It is such a hard job raising kids in a world so hard to please. I guess I have to wait and see (fingers crossed I will get the smartest most behaved kids who will come out knowing everything there is to know).
3) The best cure for a tummy ache is positive thinking, combined with 4 glasses of pure water and a small slice of lemon with a pinch of salt. I had the worst stomach ache the other night, and I freaked out.

I usually get so tensed and begin to imagine the worst case scenario which is the opposite of what I should have been doing. I really believe in the mentality that says:" mind over body". We can heal our selves and others if we believe truly.

WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE! Is old Palendia back?! Yes sir she is! I would like to report that today has been day number one of my transformation. Something special happened exactly one year ago: I had my heart broken like it had never been broken before, and commemorating the memory, I have decided to be a new person. I will be positive again and damn it! I will believe in love again.

The journey to finding mr. Soulmate begins now. O.k o.k so I don't really want to look for him, I simply want him to look for me and I will have an open heart waiting for him. I won't be waiting waiting though, you know what I mean! Here is to new beginnings:

(yeah milk should totally be the new wine!)

I miss my old job

2011-04-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

I used to work as the English Dept. Teaching Assistant. Recently I have been helping my old students and friends with their essays and presentations, and this reminded me of the time I used to spend helping more than 10 students per day. It was hard work but it was very rewarding, and that is why I love teaching as a profession.

English has always been a language close to my heart. I think it has to do with the fact that I was speaking it at an early age and I associated it with childhood and summers in the United States. Arabic will always be a "mother" tongue for me, but maybe English is not a Second language but an "Aunt"-sort of like a mother tongue but sometimes even more "lovable" and "understandable".

I love to help others and I love to use my love for English to do that. I think finding English teaching as a profession is like finding your right side on the bed. It will remain with you for a long time. I am blessed to have found my passion and hopefully I will be using it soon!

I promise a long juicy post tomorrow answering yesterday's questions and more!

Almost..

2011-04-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

I almost gave up on writing this entry today. I feel exhausted and sick but a commitment is a commitment, so here it goes...

We had a family gathering in our village house and it was really well except that now I feel very sick and tired. Too much work and too much sun exposure does that to you, I guess.

I will write more about this tomorrow, but here are some questions to think of:

1) who would you be more inclined to tell a secret to, your friends or family?

2) Should a parent ever punish/scream/fight with his/her child in front of family members or friends?

3) What is the best cure for when you feel like you want to throw up but can't?! agggghhh I hate sickness!

Lots of shout out to extended family members!

R.I.P Vittorio

2011-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

And just when I thought that the ending of "Delirium" the book I was reading last night was the only confusing and sad thing I will encounter this week, a Palestinian unknown group kidnaps and later kills a very respected Palestinian supporter, the Italian Vittorio Arrigoni!!!! I am still in shock. The most prominent feeling I am feeling is embarrassment. I am ashamed that a member of my people would ever think of ever even kidnapping a SUPPORTER who left his friends and family and a better life in Italy to support us here in Palestine, and especially in Gaza where it is horrible to live. I simply can't believe this. My sympathy for Vittorio's family and friends. I sure do hope that such inhuman stupid savage acts do not deter more supporters to come witness the life people in Gaza are living so they can report back to their governments and so the world can see what we live under.

I read that there was a symbolic funeral for the Italian martyr in Gaza:

I do hope that by "the same" they mean that the Palestinian group who killed the Italian activist is just as cruel as the Israeli's violent hands that killed the amazing Rachel Corrie (who was 23 when she was killed trying to protect a Palestinian house from being demolished by the IDF and was killed by a bulldozer). It would be naive and cowardly to dump everything on the occupation and claim that the Israelis had killed the supporter. A video of the kidnapped is on the internet and the death report showed that he had died from strangling (the Israelis are a little bit stronger, don't you think?).

I won't be able to express my sorrow and pain and the feeling of complete shock I am in, but I will share some of the activist's pictures and videos so you can judge for yourself. Did this beautiful human deserve to be brutally killed?

His tattoo says "resistance" in Arabic....my heart keeps aching more and more...

off twitter (@ Palanafree)

http://mondoweiss.net/2011/04/arrigoni-i-came-here-because-my-grandfathers-fought-fascist-occupation-in-italy.html

What will be said of us Palestinians now?! That we are terrorists? that we kill those who come to support us!? I feel very ashamed that some people who dare call themselves Palestinians do such acts. I hope anyone who had any involvement in this shameful act to be brought to justice! may you rest in peace Vittorio and may you rot in hell anyone who thinks of such acts. What an awful day in the history of Palestinians, the day when we turn our backs (and bring our knives and guns) on our few, now turning fewer, supporters!!! SHAMEFUL FAY!

Yet our supporters remain faithful, thank god:

An article by an activist who knew "Vik":
http://motherjones.com/mojo/2011/04/vittorio-arrigoni-palestinian-salafis-murder

Dreams

2011-04-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

To be honest today has been the toughest day to decide what to write. As I said in my last post, I really don't want to use this platform to complain about my surgery and pain. I mean 3 posts is enough, no? So...I've decided to write about something very special to me (and again it is not my teeth this time)and that is my dream. I don't mean dreams such as: " I want to become a teacher when I grow up." or " I hope to find my soul mate soon before I lose my patience.". No, I mean dreams that we have at night.

If you are one of my 3 best friends, you will know that I dream vivid-almost-real-dreams almost every night. I have always been aware that I have an amazing gift of remembering what I dream. Compared to my peers and family members, I would be the one who would always tell her dreams. Something even more awesome, I would always understand that my dreams are/were telling me to do something. I dream of acing exams when I fear them, I dream of losing loved ones days before I have to say good bye to them, and I dream of silly things like seeing my friend covered in blue sparkling skin instead of a face (I never said they were not weird). I do understand that having dreams is supposed to be relieving and it is actually a way of relaxing ourselves unintentionally, but I feel it is more.

I don't usually dream "silly" dreams like imagining that I am flying or drowning or seeing a snake because I think that won't be challenging enough for me. I might also be a person who can't stop thinking and so I don't shut down my brain's activity and thus I dream of regular events and moments to come or memories I thought were long gone. I dream of things I hate and I dream of things I want and I believe I do this because I worry about such things. It is good to be able to experience things in dreams that you can perfect in real life. I am not saying that I know the future, but I dream of events that will come and based on the outcome of the dream, I react in real life. A blessing I tell you which reminds me of a movie I am sure you have heard of..

I would like to eventually thoroughly study the psychology behind dreams, and the interpretation, but for now I would just say that my dreams seem to always be telling me something, and I like how I spend my first waking up moments analyzing what it could be telling me. It makes you feel special I say :)

staying in bed

2011-04-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes they say that staying in bed relaxes you and makes you feel better especially if you have a good book with you. I have to agree. I have spent almost all of today's hours in bed icing my cheek and making sure that I follow up on my pills. My, how do old members of our society remember to take their numerous meds? I keep reminding myself not to forget to take the 2 pills and then after 2 hours the one pill and then again after 4 hours the 2 pills. Exhausting I tell you!

I would like to mention that the book I got yesterday:

Is amazing. It is set in a world where love is considered a "disease" and the government forces you to "cure" the disease when you turn 18. It is such a fun read, simple yet it allows you to have very strong philosophical debates over and over in your head. It's the kind of book I need to read while staying bed.

A shout out to my best friend "SH" who came over loaded with beautiful flowers and a box of chocolates (so I can be motivated to get better and start chewing?). We spent the first few minutes complaining about my gums and her job and then the fun began. We were singing songs together, laughing together and it reminded me of how much we need love and its "symptoms". So answering the question that is written in simple letters on the book, "NO" would be a perfect answer for me. I would not want to lose the ability to fall in love. Yes I do believe that in most cases love hurts our hearts and can create beasts out of us, but it can also makes better humans out of us. Love makes you want to make this world a better place so you and your loved ones can enjoy it in peace and harmony. Love makes of us poets and song writers and mothers. Love makes us courageous and humble, and most importantly love makes us humans. I guess too much time in bed made me a little bit of a romantic, don't you think?

I watched this oldie last night and it's still amazing:

I hope tomorrow I will have better topics to talk about. I am sure enough has been said about teeth, dentists and surgery :)

Oh my!

2011-04-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hello. Coming to you live from my bedroom with my teddy bear nicely around my arm and a candle lit on my desk. I don't know what to say about my operation today. It was a mixture of emotions and pains I never experienced in my life. Let us begin with emotions first since I guess I can speak more about that. I woke up feeling very nervous but knowing that I had to get rid of the teeth that have been given me some pain during the last weeks. As I got ready to go to the dentist, a slight feeling of relieve came upon me. Knowing that in a few hours I will be starting the process that will lead me to get rid of the pain made me feel anxiously excited. Going to the dentist 25 minutes early made me feel overly punctual, and later on seeing my brother walk into the office made me realize that it was time!

The whole operation did not last for more than 30 minutes and it was not as expected but man did it make me feel weird feelings of pain. I had never been to the dentist to do any operation before. I proudly report that I never needed to do any dental work other than cleaning and check up (which hopefully explains my nagging and worries). I feel like my time in the dentist was a haze of an experience where I remember the pain and some laughters and needles and blood but nothing else. Anyway details will bore you and make me relive the image so let us move on.

I don't know if I learned anything from this experience. I might have to do the whole thing again in less than 2 weeks when I get rid of the two remaining wisdom teeth I have, but I guess I should worry less? Right now, I feel weird and losing energy since I did not eat but other than that, I would say the pain is bearable although absolutely new and not imaginable. I hope tomorrow will be better.

I recently found out about the amazing talent this girl possess. Check her out in my favorite songs of hers:

and also GLEE has been a great part of my recovery and my sanity so check out their most cutest character so far (yes I am in love with Darren Chris who plays Blaine, but Chris's charm makes me smile and feel happy and young)

Drama Queen?

2011-04-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

Some (like close friends and family members) might suggest that my serious obsession with my teeth and my almost nervous break down for having to remove wisdom tooth "that almost everyone does" is illogical and uncalled for. I agree but...

I think putting yourself in "the worst case scenario bubble" is helpful sometimes. If I think of the worst and then I go to the dentist and it does not hurt (crossing fingers), then I will feel better afterwards and just laugh at myself. O.k the old Palendia who believed in positive thinking would have kicked me in the ass! I should not be like this. It is "just" a small operation as my best friends told me. It's nothing major. Oh my god, my best friend "SH" just sent me a text telling me not to over-think it and to have a great night. She is awesome this girl. She listens attentively to my worries and my drama and then she simply lays on me her wisdom half knowing that I will worry anyhow. A huge shout out to her and my best friend in Canada who have always been my support system.

Being a drama queen can sometimes give you assurance that you have a great supporting family (who listen to my exaggerated fears and laugh), and amazing best friends who allow me to speak but never to over worry that much. Positive thinking is all about hoping for the best and getting it. I used to believe in "The Secret" and how you must manifest your destiny. What happened to me? Well, I know exactly what happened to me and I am working on it. Thank you for those who read my blog. It might be fun for you to read ( I sure hope), but to me it's more than that. It's pure therapy.

Dentist Appointment and more..

2011-04-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

As fate would have it, the dentist's office called me today to schedule an appointment today and not Monday. Not surprisingly I was nervous waiting for the dentist to take me in and inform me that he will take my teeth out. Well, I was thinking of the worst. For some reason, I thought that when you have wisdom tooth coming out and they need space, the dentist will pull out the tooth next to it. I don't know why I thought that, but the first question I asked the doctor was exactly that and he firmly explained that that was not the case here. He actually explained that this procedure was a backward procedure operated by dumb dentists. Good to know! I was relieved. Not too relieved to know that I have to take the 4 wisdom tooth out and the sooner the better.

O.k so I was looking for online pictures of wisdom tooth being pulled out to put here, but I am freaking out right now (hence the very simple cartoon smile). The pictures I saw were horrifying. I simply have to forget what is going to happen on Tuesday (yes yes this fast), and just think of it as a fun procedure that will surely make my feel better. I have always had a phobia of losing my teeth and I am glad that going to the dentist relaxed me somehow. Wisdom teeth are not needed and frankly they only cause trouble, so I will be saying goodbye with a smile. I sure hope I can smile after the operation :(

Moving on to another topic- I finished "The Cellist of Sarajevo":

I loved this heart-breaking story about Sarajevo under siege. The story is now-well-known to me having read other books about the war, but this fictional story based loosely on a true Sarajevo Cellist brings shivers to the soul. The book narrated by an omnipresent narrator (4 years of English Literature does pay off a bit I realize) is told from 3 points of views. Two men and a woman sniper, who made the story even better, have a hard time distinguishing the Sarajevo they knew and the Sarajevo that has become as a result of war. They each find their way through it and eventually the writer ends the story with an open end that is both sad and happy. Salute to the Canadian Steven Galloway and his novel that is worth reading, even if you already know about the war and even if you are a native Bosnian.

Electricity and other stuff

2011-04-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

And the topics still come to my head! Today the electricity was cut off for 9 hours! It was enough time for me to do some appreciation for electricity and its many usages. My god spending 9 hours (6 to be honest since I was sleeping for 3) was horrible. I did do some reading (more on that later), and I did enjoy some quietness where the machines in the kitchen did not seem to want to have their regular conversation with me, but I do shamelessly love electricity.

Missing electricity and trying to remember things we used to do before the internet made me thankful not only for electricity but for the privilege those who have electricity posses. I thought of Gaza and how humans souls are considered targets, how they have schedules for when the water will come and when electricity will be cut off. I thought of how Palestinians are dying in Gaza and around the west bank and no one is reporting it professionally. I thought that although the book I am reading, "The Cellist of Sarajevo" is probably based on true stories of daily suffering in the Balkan war set in a fictional storyline, I wonder if the true continuous stories of the struggling and destructive circles the Palestinians suffer from will ever be reported in real life or in fiction. Who knows, maybe one day I will write about it. I only know that I will be honored.

Health and how we forget it exists

2011-04-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

I have written once about the importance of appreciating one's health and here I am again in need for another reminder. I have been sick all day (the specifics won't do you good), and I have had some minor tooth ache last week and so I think I am in titled to say that we humans only remember our health when we start to lose some aspect of it.

I have always took my tooth for granted until one of them started to ache and in an instant, I felt worried for ever losing a tooth. That is why I immediately called the dentist and will pay him a visit (and some money) on Monday.

I fear that us humans never learn which can be a good quality sometimes. I would never want to lose my endurance to love, although at some point, this has proven to cause me pain and heartache. I never want to stop saying my opinion although at some point in my life, I have been negatively portrayed because of it. I think it's funny that I can be absolutely unaware of an organ I have and simply because of a fall or a minor accident, I become completely appreciative and respecting to that organ and to my health in general.

I finally have accomplished one of my biggest new year's resolution ever and it's not even mid year yet. I am excited to report that I have lost enough weight for my mother to notice and compliment me. My mother has had issues with me gaining the weight I gained in Bosnia (I don't think I regret gaining weight off delicious meat pies, Pittas and pizzas) and has been complaining to me constantly. Now I get her happy and I feel good as well. I have to admit that going to the gym is a commitment and if you are a competitive gal like I am, it will be hard. You will want to go to the gym every day and work out like a maniac but our bodies are not used to such torture, so they shut down in protest.

It is hard changing your life style and eating moderately when you once were an emotional eater, but it is worth it! I am planning on losing more weight and keeping it. I feel that my body is my temple and I need- hell we all need- to appreciate it and respect it. Women especially need to take care of their bodies, and it is not only because some will choose to create a home out of their wombs for a little baby, but I believe that we make this world a better place by simply being in it and we need to continue to make it better by being healthy both in our bodies and in our minds.

A good book!

2011-04-07T09:05:00.001-07:00

Being obliged (internally) to write daily in one's blog can cause you to feel pressured to come up with interesting topics to discuss, but thankfully for me, I still have fresh ideas to talk about. Today's discussion is about good books. I have recently finished all of John Green's books, and let me say that Young Adult Literature was never that good before. I remember reading teenage books a long time ago and although some caught my attention, I was never as hooked as when reading John Green's books. The last book I read, "Will Greyson Will Greyson" only added to my admiration.

The book is co-written by John Green and David Levithan. It discusses two teenagers carrying the same name and their journey through high school. One of the characters is a homosexual teen who dislikes everyone in school and finds love through internet (but not for long), and the other Will is the best friend of an enormous open gay teenager. Events unravel and you find yourself wanting to know more. Green writes the odd numbered chapters and Levithan the even ones, although to be honest, at some point you get mixed in with the whole story and feel as if it is told to you by a mystical unknown.

John Green's first three books blew my mind in the same way this book did, and I think everyone, young and old, should read them. Check out John Green's Amazon page for more detail. ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_tc_2_0?rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3AJohn+Green&keywords=John+Green&ie=UTF8&qid=1302193537&sr=1-2-ent&field-contributor_id=B001I9OQNE)

Right now I am reading a more serious book called "The cellist of Sarajevo" by Steven Galloway.

I found the name of this book interesting since I've been to Bosnia and have seen Sarajevo and its beauty. Having read a few books on the Balkan war, I was excited to read some more. This book was also read by my lovely Australian friend who recommended it but said that it was sad. This brings me to question the essence of good books. Why are some books simply haunting and deserving of our appreciation, while others do not even stay with us for a few minutes?

I can't describe the types of books I like, but I know that simple books that tell real or fictional stories attract me. I don't like mystery nor horror. Isn't life full of mysteries that make it astonishing and worth living? Who needs horror when sometimes your heart beating creates insomnias that make you forget the taste of sleep? I like books that speak to me, books that allow me to indulge in places and people I have never heard of. I like books that make me feel emotions I haven't felt before. I like books that speak to me of far away places with people who have the same worries and fears and dreams as I do. What are your favorite kinds of books?

Spoken Word Inspiration

2011-04-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

I would have had nothing to report today had I not looked at the far right of youtube's home page this morning, and saw one of my favorite spoken word artists, Sarah Kay featured. She was chosen to choose favorable videos to feature for National Poetry Month.

As I watched video after video of regular people creating marvelous real poetry, I had the feeling of both an excited inspired poet, and sadly emotions of a person in jealousy. I wanted to write poetry like that. I wanted to have a poetry group to support me, and that's when I had the idea that I have been harvesting for hours in my head unknowingly. I want to reconnect with my poetry group! I emailed the 13 guys and girls and told that that we "must meet. I realize that poetry healed me before, and I need healing now". I am very excited of the possibility of re-meeting with these people and writing together while hosting each other. I have always wanted to part part of a book club, or a poetry club, and I think that it will happen this time! The last time we were a group, I was the Teaching Assistant and the kids were English major students. We ended up performing on a roof top with over 300 people watching us; god knows that will happen this time.

I have to thank Sarah Kay and here amazing videos especially these two that re-inspired me and made me re-connect with my poetry loving self:

I never thought I liked math until this!

how cute are they?!

And so I am back! I think I have become more inspired and less depressed and I owe it to poetry. All of these emotions are raging positively in my heart without even writing poetry again. I am super excited about the outcome.

Music is also poetry and I love the Cranberries. I was finally able to get all my music files from my old macbook today and I love this song from their marvelous "Bury the Hatchet" album (I haven't seen the video yet, so listen to song and then watch the video if you like):

Rest in Peace Juliano Mer Khamis

2011-04-05T11:39:00.001-07:00

Prior to yesterday night, I was not familiar with the Palestinian Israeli (is that even possible?) Director Juliano Mer Khamis.

I first heard of his assassination in the afternoon of yesterday and by mid night, I had watched his amazing documentary (watch fully here)and immediately felt connected to this great lost soul:

http://israelpalestinemissionnetwork.org/main/index.php/community/videos/Noushin/55-ARNAS+CHILDREN

So now it's not only fighters and political prisoners who get shot to death, but now in this new era, educators, directors, and individuals who try to create a positive outlet for Palestinian youth get shot as well! I was devastated watching the loss of this amazing man. I would not like to speak much about Jul ( as the kids in Jenin refuge camp used to call him), but I will let you watch the film and make your own image of this great lost man. It remains unknown who shot Juliano but I hope we will find out soon. My fear is that Palestinians have become confined to their prejudices and ignorance of the unknown. I remain hopeful that we will find out soon that the Israelis were the ones who wanted to silence this man as they silenced legends like Ghassan Kanafi years before.

I do want to add that marching today in remembrance made me realize that us Palestinians live in dire conditions that threaten us every minute. We need to take life seriously and start creating an environment that allows us to die knowing that we did something for our cause. I would like to believe( and brag), that I was the first person from Ramallah who was able to get pictures of the symbolic funeral commemorating Mr. Juliano for twitter. Here are some of the pictures I uploaded on Occupied Palestine Blog.

http://occupiedpalestine.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/juliano-mer-khamis-remembered-in-ramallah/
Rest in Peace Juliano and although I never met you or knew about you when you were alive, I feel connected to you and would like to carry your torch amongst other Palestinians who will do their best to stay living in Palestine for Palestine and especially for our kids who suffer endless torment. Long live Palestine and freedom freedom freedom freedom!

Family

2011-04-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

If I had written these lines yesterday, I would have portrayed my parents as gods, but today and after they pointed out that the corn on my pizza is not necessary, that I get offended easily, and that I sometimes (half jokingly) "abuse" them, I would say they are a gift from heaven that can be sometimes annoying!

O.k so the foundation of a family is very interesting. A couple fall in love and decide on their own and without pressure to spend most of their money on kids. They have no idea how their kids will turn out and yet they nurture them and educate them and all the time wishing that they would take care of them when they get older and weak. This definitely is a huge sacrifice that we will only appreciate when we have kids of our own. It is easier for us to treat our parents with the respect they deserve based on how we see them treat us, but our parents treated us with unconditional love, admiration and care from the first second they saw us. This video shows how easy that might have been. Isn't the baby Super super cute!

I know I have the greatest parents in the world. My father, now a successful owner of a research center in Palestine, was once a refuge child worker on the streets of Gaza. My father is a great example of what education and will can do to a man! Moved to Jerusalem as a young teenager, my father went to boarding school and then moved slowly to Birzeit University, American University in Lebanon and finally to America's greatest Columbia school in New York. If this does not make me want to get up every day in the morning and find a job, I don't know what will. My mother on the other hand is an example of a hard working independent woman. Although born and raised in Palestine, she has European blood. Her great grandparents were Bosnian. My mother teaches me daily how to be a funny woman who has her own opinions. She is loved by everyone she meets, including my best friends who would love to befriend her and leave me to my books!

Yet and despite the fact that I do acknowledge all of the greatness, it is sometimes hard to be the polite little girl who sees her parents as heroes. Life makes you tough sometimes; Western movies and lifestyles confuse your head, but simply put, sometimes parents irritate us and make us want to scream. It's nothing personal against them; in face that is their role in life. They are supposed to advice us and as teenagers and young adults and eventually adults, we do not like to be advised. I think it's innate in the minds of our generation to want to fail and learn than to listen to our parents. I think that sucks! I think we need to use the knowledge our parents give us, but to try to fly on our own. Man the job of a parent is hard and I know this before even becoming one!

Let us take this opportunity and moment of awakening to become a little bit nicer to those who took the chance of bringing us to the world without knowing how we will turn out.

Best Friends

2011-04-03T10:15:00.001-07:00

As promised, I will dedicate this blog writing to my best friends. To be completely honest, I have always been blessed with good ones. Before I do that, I need to address those who I see every day struggling with finding true friends, being hurt, cheated on and not appreciated by their surrounding "friends". To those I say wait and you will see. I can't pretend that I know how it feels to be without true friends, but I know that when they do come, life becomes a little bit more wonderful and a lot more fun, just when love does finally arrive!

The most amazing thing about having friends is that you can face every day hurdles with a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you, and a big hug to accept you at any rate. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have the most amazing best friends. Loved by me, and accepted by my parents (yes either my father or mother, or both know personally and have met most of my best friends). I love that I can always be my self in front of my friends and once I feel that I am turning into a bad version of my self, I know that they will discuss it with me and wait for me to get back to who I was. I love that they pressure me to peruse my dreams and they watch me fall and get up when life acts a bit mean.

The reason I have such amazing positive feelings about my best friends that I am not ashamed to talk about is because I turned 24 three days ago, and in a nut shell, I was not pleased about it. It's not that age scars me or getting older terrifies me. It's just that on my last birthday, I was a better person than now. I was happily positively in love and loving everything about the world. This year I am not feeling the same. Waiting to hear about my scholarship is getting the best of me feeling down. To be honest, I feel like a failure sometimes because I am not motivated enough to look for a job, but this blog entry is not about my depressed side, but about how my friends saved the days and made the day before and after my birthday feel as great as my birthday itself and for that I have to say...

Thank you for my best friends from school and especially to "SH" who has been the greatest person I have ever met. She kept suggesting ideas to do on my birthday even though I would complain and nag and dis her ideas constantly. Thank you goes to her for writing me her first short story about me. Thanks to her for sleeping over at my house and realizing that I find peace when she is beside me. Thank you for "E" who wrote me a poem, made a beautiful and artistic image of myself and my new crush "Darren Criss", as well as bought me a silver bracelet that says "Palendia" (you did not think that was my name, did you?) to remind me to write and be true to myself. He knows me from the sound of my voice and from the way I write text messages. His support never ends. Thank you goes to my best friend living in Canada who stayed online on skype to meet my gals and celebrate from her computer screen. Thanks goes to her for writing to me emails daily, letters monthly, and for sharing her self and most importantly allowing me to share my self and my emails and letters with her. I thank my friends who said happy birthday. For those who forgot, I say thank you for being in my life. I have been blessed with true friends and if I am ever feeling down, the knowledge that I have people to count on should make me feel better. It does!

BEDA plus a day

2011-04-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I first heard about BEDA from Kristina Horner off her channel Itlaktosnakes, link to last video here
It simply means Blog Every Day in April and I am declaring today that I am participating in this challenge. I did miss April first, but considering that it was my birthday yesterday, I think I am allowed a day off which I will gladly compensate for in the beginning of May. I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a nerd!

I have been following John and Hank Green in their phenomenal journey of empowering nerds and bringing back reading as the cool new thing for more than 3 years now. Not many of my friends know that I am a huge fan of the vlogbrothers- last video here

I have been religiously following the brother's hilarious, intelligent, and inspiring videos every week for years. I always find myself looking for words to describe what these two brothers do to me and millions of other teens, young adults, and adults like myself. It seems to me that talking about "idols" is the same as talking about your best friends (I will dedicate tomorrow's blog writing to them since they made my birthday yesterday amazing on so many levels). I don't know what to say about the vlogbrothers; they have inspired me to read more, write more, and educate myself better. Being a part of a world, virtual or "real", that understands who you are and appreciates your uniqueness and better even works with you to improve it is a world I am proud to be a part of. I have been living in a funk for quite some time and I am sure that BEDA and my best friend's poem on my birthday (as well as other cool gifts) will make me feel better. I will dedicate April to uplifting my spirit and allowing myself to shine through my writing and my appreciation of others, especially close friends who make my world brighter even if it feels as if it raining inside.

I am excited to begin this challange and I thank the internet for making this possible. See you here tomorrow :)

What is a grandparent?

2011-03-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have grown up remembering glimpses of my mother's father- he was diagnosed with cancer and had a hole in his throat. His voice was almost a whisper but I loved him. In my glimpses, I never see him in the house; I have two or three images captured of him, one of him sitting outside our house (tanning?) and just looking at everyone or walking up and down the street. I remember he would wear white long deshdashes always asking to have a sip of sodas I just bought. I would never allow him to give it back to me. I wonder if he thought that it was generous of me or did he know that I felt weird about his saliva on my coke?

I don't remember the day he passed away, but I remember seeing my mother in the arms of my father, weeping. The house should have been full of people, but I only saw them both. I remember nothing else. My mother's mother passed away when I was a couple of months old. I don't think I have a picture with her. It is funny because even though I technically never met her, everyone notices that I am like her. My mother says I am funny like she is and mama's relatives say I have her looks. My father's mother passed away when he was young, so I never knew anything about her, but his father, I knew. Last Sunday, we lost him!

It feels weird that although my grandfather lived in Gaza and I hadn't seen him in years, I miss him. Every night before I go to bed, I think of him and I try to remember the "glimpses" of him and I together, but I only end up hearing his voice. When I wake up and think of him, I remember the time I called him on Valentine's Day and to say that I chose him to talk to on that "special day". My mother told me that he would probably not get it since he was old and traditional, but I refused to believe that.

I see my grandfather and his wife (he remarried 3 times, the fox)sitting on my bed acting very excited about a lesson I was giving them on my new mini blackboard. I was maybe 11 and they still took the time to listen to me and play along, and that is what a grandparent is. A grandparent is someone whom you can ask for extra money, whom you can laugh about your mother or father with, and someone whom when you lose, you start to re-organize your life. I never had the opportunity to see or talk to my grandmothers, but I have "glimpses" of memories with my grandfathers and I will treasure them. This blog writing is for you grandpa! May you rest in peace. It's true I never knew you deeply, but I did love you, and I do miss you.

Mourning a laptop!

2011-02-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wrote my goodbyes to an old perfect love, and as fate wants it, I am going to bid farewell to a companion of 4 years, a friend that endured my face at every moment of a day- my first Macbook laptop.

Today at approximately 7 PM, my dear mother opened a cabinet only to unexpectedly see a mobile in it's box fall down onto my turned on laptop killing it quickly. I was shocked, I guess this is what death feels like; It comes quick and an expected. I am not making a joke, I understand that human life is more precious than a "machine", but we humans get attached quickly. Maybe it is me! maybe I feel super attached to the things that represent me. It took me years to get rid of old objects my first boy-friend gave me, it took me months to get rid of wrapping paper of one of my birthdays, it took me time to realize that I need to get over my boyfriend (his stuff are still in a drawer in a corner of my room). It perplexes me to to think that I am still attached to "things" at 23! Let that be a lesson to all of us, do not get attached to materialistic things, or as the Buddhist have taught us, don't have attachments PERIOD!

I took my friend who remains nameless to a specialist in Macs and the guy was not hopeful. He called me while I was venting outside walking to release un-understood emotions, and said that my screen is broken and it will cost almost as much as buying a new laptop would, so I gave in. Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my laptop and hopefully be able to get it sold for parts. Yeah that is what humans do to their companions of years-benefit off them.

Here are interesting pictures of where the incident happened and the doomed object that killed my Mac:

1) The distance from the cabinet and the area were my laptop was quietly situated.

2) The object that hit my beautiful laptop.

3) How much that object weighs:

I would put a picture of my small yet elegant laptop, but all the pictures are IN IT!!! I hope I don't have to farewell more people or objects this year. Oh my!

14/02/2011

2011-02-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

Before 10 days of Valentine’s, you realized that this day will not pass by without you noticing. Not that you have ever not reflected on your relationship status on that doomed day born only to bring suffering to those who are not in love, bring bankruptcy to those who are, and always bring green cash to owners of flower shops, candy stores, and small shops around the globe. In this year though, and since you have tasted the real flavor of love a year ago with the sweet taste of its long departure making your mouth reek of bacteria mixed with cold coffee after a tuna sandwich in the early morning, you need to vent!

You realize that you are not the only person who has loved and lost the man of her dreams. You are, god forbid, not the last one either. Life moves on and although it seems right to refuse to believe fate and to keep on struggling forever, life does not allow you. You woke up feeling extremely annoyed on February 14’th. You probably had one of your dreams where you dreamed that he, your ex-boyfriend, was ignoring you again. Although in reality this is the case, it hurts a bit more knowing that in the space where you are allowed to envision a better escape, you are still suffering the same waking reality. You decide to skip going to the gym today because after all, no one will be complementing you on your new acquired muscles, or admiring the new way you’ve decided to wear your headscarf. You continue to wait for the hour to turn 4 P.M so you and your recently single best male friend could stick your tongues out for Valentine’s Day and go out on an “Anti Valentine’s Anti Date”.

Slowly and shyly both of you try to run away from your true emotions, from expressing to each other what you exactly feel about your loss, about the way you want to be in a loving relationship, and how being surrounded by couples make you feel. Eventually and as the nature of all true feelings, you both slowly explode not being able to keep it in. As you say the same words you have been saying for months: “ the person I fell in love with is DEAD” (metaphorically mind you), you tear up! He is dead. The person you loved is not there with you anymore. He is not there!!!

Instead of being angry at Valentine’s Day and at those beautiful souls who have found a person to share this romantic, yet commercial holiday, you decide to say farewell. You decide to accept life as it is. You decide to let go of him once and for all. You decide to accept that your relationship was one of a kind. It gave you wings; He gave you wings, and although your best friend believes that you still have them, you realize you do not.

You are hurt and that’s fine. You have lost your wings, but you still can fly, and you will. Valentine’s is definitely about intimate relationships, but there is one thing that can second that, having a nice sitting with one’s best friend- tearing up, getting angry, feeling relieved and then anxious for the new you to arrive to the scene. It takes time and it’s been ten months so far for you, but you know that every month that passes, a wound is healed, a space in your heart is created, and a step towards another relationship is nearing.

He is dead. He no longer exists and the person who has replaced him is a friend, someone who is not supposed to be there for you constantly, and someone whom you can’t love as before. You are also dead, the person that you have been is no longer there. You have changed and it’s up to you to decide if it’s for the better or worse. Again in 2011, you have believed that Valentines can be replaced by “Anti Valentines” or “girls night out”, or a “lonely night in”. Just don’t feel bad about it…

And eventually you hear yourself saying: “Good bye old self and welcome a new wing-less, but spirit-ful new soul! “.

Congratulations Maser!!!

2011-02-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought there are no more words to say, I just have one left:

Mabroook, Congratulations to the people of Egypt

Congratulations to every citizen that has spent endless hours watching news while glued to a metal box in order to support those who have been sleeping in tents outside a huge square for 18 days!

Since I am a believer of celebrating with those whom you love, I decided to celebrate the halal way, by getting drunk of sugar-full Cade drinks, 3 in precise. If you do not believe me, here you go:

Now, there are no more words left to be said :) peace out!

Because Nothing Else is left

2011-02-11T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's not a secret that I am not a big fan of Political discussions, but can you blame me? The first Arabic News agency that I was exposed to, AL-Jazeera, had a famous program where two very opposed guest members would honestly just scream at each other. As I grew up and as I, as well as many other Palestinians born in the first Intifada, are innately attracted to politics and news. I listened to more news, saw more people dying and instantly became repulsed by anything political. But as you might have guessed, living in Palestine you are bound to glue to the T.V and continuously watch two major news agencies brain wash you, Al Jazzera mentioned above and the second famous Al-arabiya when something BIG happens. One of the fresh news updates these days is of course, the situation in Egypt.

The reason I am writing right now is as the title says, nothing else is left. I have read more than 50 articles a week both in Arabic and in English, have watched many hours of endless useless news on many channels and I have spoken to family members, friends and quite frankly my self and I still do not understand why Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian president will not resign. Having common sense tells me that when your own people do not want you as a president because of your years of cruelty, bizarre agendas and ill-understanding of what poor funny simple Egyptians want. I am not here to analyze news, but as a Palestinian who lives under occupation, I believe that every country NOT under occupation should be allowed to decide who to choose as their representative. What should a country like mine that is under occupation do? well, based on what I read in Al-Ayyam newspaper that is clearly affiliated with Fateh is mostly to shut up and just BE! I beg to differ, I think Palestinians should reconcile with each other, Fateh and Hamas and all the small marginal political groups, we need to have new elections, and we need to decide on how we want to become independent, is it through negotiations or is it through non-violent resistance? or should the Palestinian young leave their houses and resist violently? I also insist that we as Arab Palestinians need to support the clean causes of other Arab nations as well as any other nation that wants democracy and a better living.

Valentines day is coming and you will read some outrageous thoughts from me. I hope you are ready :)

17 days into the New Year

2011-01-17T03:36:00.000-08:00

This blog entry was supposed to be about the New Year and how miraculous I find New Year's resolutions. It seems understandable that some people would run away from making resolutions, especially on new year's eve because they are either afraid of the commitment or afraid of not accomplishing what they desire and so writing it down would show them their failure, but to me I actually find it therapeutic. I enjoy plotting my new year, finding different ways to better myself, and most importantly never backing up from a dream, even if I do not succeed in making it a reality in the previous year. Having said that, and although I definitely find new years to be deserving of a blog entry, something else got my attention this week. Something that happened yesterday made me feel upset and in need for some writing, so here it goes:

The British Council had an office in Ramallah where I, as a young adult, spent most of my afternoons. I remember going there for hours, trying to sit still for the glare of new books and young adult reading sections made me so excited that I could not sit still. I remember being offered a job because I used to go there every single day and sometimes, I would even organize books and put them into shelves. I was nevertheless not able to accept the job because I was traveling with my family the coming week. I am extremely sad right now because the experience that I had, the joy that I felt surrounded with books and sitting on comfortable colored sofas watching younger children read books and play word games on the computer (and yes sometimes sitting there with my first boyfriend reading and talking, but can you blame us? we were young nerdy teenagers in love), would not be experienced by Palestinian teenagers in Ramallah again.

The British Council's office in Ramallah was completely burned and destroyed by some Palestinians. I will not go into detail about why and who exactly idiotically thought of burning a place that had thousands of books, tens of computers and many files and papers that belonged to Palestinian students seeking to have a higher education in England and countries abroad. The reason I thought of all of this, is because I went to the new office of the British Council in order to deliver TOEFL scores for my friend and there, I was surprised. The office is tiny, the door is scary,with security bells and buzzed in systems, but most importantly, there are no books, no computers and NO library.

Everything was destroyed in the previous office and the guy at the reception, who remembered me from my teenage years, told me that the headquarters of the British Council in England do not want to send in books because of the chance of a similar event happening. Although I can't blame them, I seek to tell them that nothing is certain here in Palestine, nothing stays the same. You can spend years building your dream house, only to see it being destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in seconds, you can plan to travel the world and better your education, only to see a red stamp on your passport or learn that your visa is denied simply because you are a Muslim. Nothing is certain here in Palestine, but that does not and will not stop us from dreaming our dreams, from planing out and mapping out our destiny. This will not stop me from spending every new year's eve writing down my wishes, hopes and dreams for the coming one.

I am very ashamed that some Palestinians, some human beings would find it easy to break and enter an office full of books. I do not really care about the policies of any group or its intentions as long as our children, teenagers, and adults are reading. The British Council is a center that teaches people to speak English, to travel and to read. It is not a center that is affiliated with any "enemy". I am deeply saddened and highly irritated by the fact that some Palestinians and Arabs believe that the center is similar to the British government that had separated Palestine in 1917 and withdrew its mandate in order to allow the Israeli Zionists to settle in. Having said that, and knowing the effects of the decisions Britain took to support Israel, that does not mean that every British person is pro Israeli, nor does it mean that the current government is also pro Israeli. I am more sad that I did not protest, scream nor shouted at those who are responsible. At that day, I just shook my head in dismay and moved on. NOT ANYMORE. I will make sure that in this year, 2011, I will protest any event that I don't like, I will march, I will write and I will speak about what I do not approve of. If for nothing else, this year will be a great one because I have decided to stand up for my self and for the things I believe in.

Note: The British Council is still shipping in books to support Palestinian universities and centers, and its small office in Ramallah still helps students to take the necessary English exams so they can travel and continue their education. Most importantly, The British Council in Ramallah DID NOT pay me to write this :)

20 days home!

2010-12-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

I have been in the Holy land for 20 days, and although I wish this blog was to let you know that life back home, that life in one's country or one's land, is as magical as Disney's old movies, I am actually here to be honest. Being home can sometimes be as hard as being away.

Coming back home I was filled with happiness. I was excited to see my family, and I was excited to see my friends as I gave them their presents. I never anticipated that I will feel a bit down, that I will get slightly depressed, and that I will need adjusting to do. I thought that you only adjust when you leave your home, and not when you also come back. Needless to say, it has been hard. I was not used to many things here, and I was missing many things back in Mostar.

Leaving my friends and my students in Mostar was very tough, but it was filled with a sense of gratification, them for me for helping them in their essays, and in their writing and me for them for allowing me to see who I was and what I can be. Coming back home, I miss that! I miss being needed and I miss being useful. I have been looking for a job as well as getting ready for a test I am almost giving up on, and on top of that trying to get used to life here, I have not felt useful or able to be what I want to be. I am waiting for the new year to come so I can settle in completely and empty out every negative thought I have, and hopefully find a job and finish applying to grad schools.

Just for the record, even though I am not used to being watched excessively on the streets, to being crowded by many people unsuccessfully waiting in line, and even though I am not used to waking up very late and to not doing anything useful here, I still do love this country. I am a Palestinian, born and bred here. I call many cities my home for I was born in Nablus, raised in Tulkarm, became an adult in Ramallah, and was educated in Birzeit, and for that I am and will always be grateful. For being of a nation that is known for its residence, its hospitality and its education, how can I not be proud? It does take some used to, but home is always home sweet home. I AM BACK!

Jordan- a transitional state

2010-12-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

I doubt if any Palestinian who flies back home to Palestine, does not stop in Jordan. Jordan with its capital Amman generates so many Palestinian transit-ers. As for me, thankfully, Jordan is where my aunt lives and because of that, my stay in Jordan needs not be expensive nor a pain in the neck from too much exposure to the life in down town Amman and the many different and confusing squares. Although I, one day hope that I will be able to fly from any destination of the world to a Palestinian airport very soon, I am not very sad about the transition from Bosnian into Arab styles of living here in Jordan. I have never been a big fan of Jordan, but because of the home-sickness I acquired being away from home for 3 months and 7 days (and counting), Jordan was very nice to see and be in. I loved speaking Arabic to Jordanian passport control, I loved seeing Arab men and women. I loved seeing a woman hug her father and say: " ya rohi" meaning "my soul". I felt very touched being in a world where Arabic is the language, where hugs are a way of greeting, and where great food resides.

Ahh, the food! For lunch yesterday I had Mansaf. For those of you who have never had this delicious dish, I feel sorry for you. It is the best dish ever invented! It mainly consists of hot yogurt ( very sour and just simply amazing), rice and your choice of chicken or meat. It usually is accompanied by thin bread and lots of pine and nuts, and of course LOVE. I just can't stop talking about this amazing dish. It is true that I had some nice meals in Mostar, Bosnia, but nothing tastes like Arab food. I just love it!

I have been eager to re-taste all of the amazing food I enjoy. I have been excited to be surrounded by family and little kids, and I am still very excited and eager to see my MAMA pretty soon. Hopefully in less than 4 days if my aunt releases me :)

I sure do miss Mostar, I sure do miss everyone I met there, and I sure miss the feel of an old town that was 4 minutes away from my place, but being surrounded by family and the thrill of knowing that god willing, I will see my nuclear family very soon, right now overshadows everything else. I am sure once I get home and settle down, I will be overcome with a longing feeling, but for now, I will enjoy my extended family, and our Arab food!

Books to ease the soul (3)

2010-11-25T05:52:00.000-08:00

I am leaving. I am done. My first three months alone in a country far away from home are almost over. I am very excited to be going back home. I miss Palestine, I miss my family, and I miss everything from the beautiful Arabic language (which I recently had the honor of re-discovering), the amazing spirit of people who have been under the occupation for over 6o years and counting, but most of all, I miss my mama.

I, thankfully, was able to finish 3 books for November and I am very proud of my selection. These books were not only educational, but also very inspiring and fun to read. Here is my November selection, the last books to be read in Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina:

1) The Story of my Life by Helen Keller:

I was surprised to know that most of the students I asked about Helen Keller did not know her. I very clearly remember knowing about the inspiring story of Helen Keller from school, and I suddenly felt an extra joy in being a Palestinian- education has always been the core focus of our society, a thing making me beam with happiness every time I am asked about Palestine and the level of education. Our first Palestinian written curriculum books, I hear, are a bit complex and need focus. I am glad Palestinians still realize that through education and an open mind that allows students to learn from the experience of other people around the world, we will hopefully one day be free and able to govern our selves. Anyway Keller's book was written when she was in her twenties. It talks about her childhood and how she dealt with the struggles of being both deaf and blind, only to become the most famous deaf and blind person in the history... of my life (hahaha, I am not sure if she is as famous as I make her to be, but come on, Helen Keller!). The book, although at some times, a bit boring,is a must-read because it allows you to take a moment and appreciate the five senses you have and the quick ability you, as a healthy abled person, have to learn and teach. Let us all learn a lesson from Keller and educate our selves and others.

2) People of the book by Geraldine Brooks:

I don't know where to begin. This book has been one of the most interesting books I have ever read. Recommended to me by a beautiful Australian woman I met in Mostar, this book discusses an ancient Jewish book ( yes I am maturing and reading about Jewish books and Jewish people). The story is loosely based on a true story of the "Haggadah" that was saved during World War two when Jewish books were being destroyed and burnt. The original book was saved by a Muslim Bosnian here in Sarajevo. The book goes back to tell you the fictional story of each symbol on the cover or the inside of the book discovered by an Australian, a book-expert who tries to uncover the book's mysteries. The story takes you to old Spain, moving to Israel and then to Bosnia. I liked the book, not only because it is amazingly well written, with a plot very complex and imaginative that you can't put it down, but because the writer represented the Palestine-Israeli situation with honesty and wits. Even though the book does not address the issue directly, the writer did talk about Jews immigrating to Palestine, while escaping the brutality of Nazism and discrimination. She tells how the Jews went to Palestine and took lands and settled there. She tells the story of a jewish Bosnian who goes to Palestine and tells how she gets old in a house that once belonged to an "Arab", meaning a Palestinian. Hats off (Hijab off :) ) for Brooks for being able to master the art of story-telling and honest representation of the Jews suffering, but also the suffering they imposed on others. A must-read book!

3) Siddhartha by Hermen Hesse:

This was my last book read here and what a great ending! It was about a person's journey to self discovery and enlightenment. I was not very interested when I began this book thinking that it would be boring, but once I got used to the style of writing and once the story became smoother, I was very intrigued to continue reading. It talks about the live of a person who lives to become an enlightened person who cares not about attachments and not about his self, but about listening to his heart, listening to the river and thus nature around him. I had thought that this book talks about The Buddha, but it turns out that this is a story of a person who faces Buddha and decides to live his own interpretation of life. He suffers, like we all do, and it is his suffering and life confusion that are the core lessons that helped Siddhartha to become who he became- a person who accepts what life offers him and a person who knows that it will eventually be alright. I enjoyed this book very much and it is a must-read because it allows readers to look into their lives in ways they might not have before- to know that the pain you suffered will come back as joy, as healing and as a catalyst for a better life. Amen to that!

And thus ladies and gentlemen, I had read 9 very interesting books in 3 more interesting months here in Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and as I get ready to say good bye to the small town that has welcomed me daily, I am looking forward to a country that has welcomed me since day one: Falasten! 10 more days and god willing, I will be there. For all of you from Mostar, have a great day and enjoy these pictures that I had taken today:

Divided Cities

2010-11-20T02:05:00.001-08:00

A few hours ago, I was asked by the head teacher of the school I volunteer in to give a presentation on Jerusalem as a divided city. I apologetically declined and I have been feeling uneasy since. Have I failed to represent my country? Have I declined an opportunity that would have taught so many youngsters about my issue? Maybe. But in my head, I have reasons to refuse.

The first time I heard of the term "Divided Cities" was here in Mostar, in the school assembly in specific. I never knew that some cities can be divided without borders and without written lines except when I lived in Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina. Coming from the Occupied Territories of Palestine where even small cities and towns are divided by borders, checkpoints, walls, and guns, this is the division I was aware of. The beautiful city of Mostar is divided and as these pictures that I have taken and played with show you, there is no line to show where the East (Muslim), and West (Croatian) side reside.

I have talked on this blog before about the cruelty of war here and how 15 years after the Balkan War ended, Bosnian cities still suffer economically, emotionally, and physically from the residues the war left. Mostar became a city that was divided into two main sections holding the two main ethnicities here- the Muslim Bosnian side and the Catholic Croatian one. I was told that because I wear a headscarf, clearly a Muslim, I should be careful if I want to go to the other side. When I went for the first time, I was shocked. Yes, some people were looking at me in a weird way, but other than that, the only shocking aspect was how developed the "other" side was. I had lived for the past 2 months in the old part of town, the East side and it is practically "old". The buildings are ancient, some with as many as 50 bullet holes showing years of conflict. Shops are mostly small, selling touristic items, many of them, and the many restaurants that reside in the same one or two main streets are modest, sometimes adding weak translation on their Bosnian menus. On the other hand what I saw a few days ago on the West side was really spectacular. I felt as if I was transformed into a different "developed" city with as many as 50 shops on one side of the street. The cafes are modern, the shops diverse, selling electronic items and cosmopolitan foods. The "feel" of that part of the town was a modern post war feeling while the feeling I had living in the old town is a feeling that war just ended a few days ago. The old people here carry with and on them years spent in war; I feel they carry emotional burdens that they will leave only on their dead beds and that is tragic.

And that is what I know of divided cities, and based on my modest experience, I would not call Jerusalem a divided city. I will not agree on it being compared with Mostar ( no offense to the suffering that the people here have witnessed). Even if Jerusalem is a city that has an Arab "Palestinian" part and another settler Israeli part, what Jerusalem is suffering is a Judaizing of its Arab part, illegal settlement to its land, a tight apartheid wall squeezing it and a very illegal method of kicking away indigenous people who have been living in the city for decades. I am a carrier of blood type A positive (added information) and a Palestinian passport. The latter does not allow me to cross the disgusting humiliating checkpoint of Qalandia in order to go to the "Divided City". I refused to talk about Jerusalem not because I don't want to be "political" as I told the head teacher, but because and sadly enough I can't report on a city that I haven't been to for years. I can't condense all the emotions I have in me in 5 minutes. I can't be told to present my country before days of the real event. The teacher had known about it for weeks and 2 days before, she emails me! I just felt bad.

Maybe I am giving lame excuses to cover up my weakness. I do not have the information in me. I really do not know figures and numbers. I only know that I am forbidden to go to a city that is as holy as holy is. I am not allowed to pray in the most famous mosque of all. I know that the information I have and carry is emotional one, the kind the school does not and will not use. I feel bad for not speaking up about my city, but comforted by the fact that I know that the information is there for the students to search and find. A website as controversial and informal as Wikipedia has enough information on Jerusalem to show these 16-17 and 18 year old kids what they are searching for. As for me, I know I should equip my self with factual information and resources and this is my new project for the coming month: know thy country!

Palestinian Lunch -1 & 2-

2010-11-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

I don't know how it became a habit, but my landlady, her son, and I decided that on every Sunday, I should invite them to a Palestinian lunch. Our first lunch, held at exactly 2:30 PM was a success. I made the very famous, and very easy-to-make "Mjadara."

It was not until the food was ready and the pictures taken that I realized that I was representing Palestinians. These people had never met a Palestinian before and their idea of Islam was mixed, as many are, with tradition and culture. As Croats living in the Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina, they have a slight idea of what Islam is, but what are Palestinians.. I am not sure they fully grasped. What is a Palestinian after all? Are we who we are because of our suffering that has lasted for more than 60 years? Are we known as being the enemies of "Israel"? Or are we just a population that exists to defend its land? I chose to represent myself and my culture through cooking. I presented a dish that has been cooked by many people for me as a young child, as a teenager, and as an adult, a dish that I grew up on, a dish that I know that one of my best friends hates, and my sister loves to make. A dish that I intended to make in my best capability to show "them" that "we" are a really nice population with a nice cooking menu.

As the second Sunday approached, I started to think of how to talk about Palestinians without mentioning Politics, nor infighting. Again, the best option was by cooking, using little symbols to express who I felt we were was the cherry on the ice cream. I displayed the Palestinian flag on my laptop, I showed a beautiful Palestinian Shawl on the chair (Thank You Alice!), and I wore my "Handala". As the conversation flew and our food reached to our happy stomachs, we began to exchange talks about religion, countries and traditions. As the landlady who had fled to Germany in the war, asked me about my grandfather who had fled his "Zarnoqa" to find a safe place in "Gaza", I was faced again with the similarity of life. We all flee our countries, our families, and our comfort zones once in a while. We all appreciate the importance of a good meal and a better conversation. We all find joy in the happiness of people we like and we all aim to become better persons.

Although and sadly for me as a writer, actions DO speak louder than words, and even if I cook many delicious meals, and articulate my words smoothly and delicately, if I don't respect who I am and who other people are through my actions and how I behave, I would fail. I would sure hope that even after I have been long gone, these generous people would not only think of the food they had, but also the people that have brought me up to be the good person I hope I am. Thank you Mama and Baba, and thank you Palestine.

For all the Muslims out there....Happy Eid, or as they say here:

Bajram Shareef Mubarek Olsun

less than 20 days and I will be HOME!

Books to ease the soul (2)

2010-11-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

As the hot suns of the second month of my stay in Bosnia were going by quickly and with more and more rain, I began to get used to life here. I would wake up at 10, get to school by 11:30, have lunch at 12 in the canteen with the students and then begin my work as the librarian. See I am responsible to keep the precious library open from 3-6. Before I came to volunteer, the school would close the library at 3 when the staff had to go home. Now, and thanks to a Palestinian-Muslim, the library is open to students until late in the evening. Makes you proud of us, sah?

If being surrounded by books on a daily basis does not make you want to read, then I don’t know what would. I read three very interesting and diversely different books last month. Ladies and ladies, I present to you my October reading list:

1) Half of a yellow sun, by ChimamandA Ngozi Adichie

This book is amazing. It was my first book about Nigeria and it made me want to know more about life there. This book goes back to the time when Nigeria was divided and a small nation was created “Biafra”. The amazing part of this book is not only that it takes you to a part of the world that you did not know, but what entices you to keep on reading is the three different narratives employed by the author. Her use of diverse characters, two Nigerians and a European brings you the issue from every aspect. Half of a yellow sun is not only a book depicting life in “Biafra”, it is a book about human fragility, compassion and life under harsh situations. A Must Read, really!
Although it took me more than 15 days to finish this journey of a book, I, nevertheless was sad. Nothing in life is similar to the feeling I have when I am about to finish a good book. The fact that I always manage to find other great books has not consoled me. I don’t think I will ever be content with finishing a good book.

2) Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller

Having read this classical play in university made me more eager to read it for the second time. This time, I was not reading it to prepare for a test or to be able to have class discussions in my course, it was so I can teach it for a bunch of 17-18 year old students in my school. A classical book about the fragility of “The American Dream”, Death of a Salesman is a book that teaches you new things as you read it. A book about the life and the death of a middle aged American salesman who lives in the past, this book illustrates how dreams are made and broken, how children grow up de-idolizing their fathers, and how fathers learn to let go of their dreams for their suns/daughters as they see their children growing in the way they choose.

Teaching this book has been a pleasant surprise. Every week, I realize how developed the brains of teenagers are, how simple their life is right now, and how sad I feel to have grown up out of this phase. Death of a salesman eases the soul because it shows how simple things can be if we only knew the motives of others’ reactions.

3) The Calcutta Chromosome by Amitav Ghosh

The reasons that compelled me to read this book are many. For starters, Amitav Ghosh is a great writer whose first book I have. The second reason is that I had sent my sister an email a few months ago asking her to send me the book, and when she didn’t (not because she is not nice, but I think she sent something else), I had it saved in my mind. When I came to the library for the first time as the volunteer, I almost knocked the librarian out of the way when I saw the book, waiting for me.

This book is one of the few mystery books that I read and enjoyed. This book not only talks about science, biology, and life in India, but it also discusses philosophical questions in an intriguing way. Set in India, Egypt, and other ancient cities, this book kept me on my ass for more than three hours. I think I read this book in less than 5 days because I literally could not let it down. Amitav Ghosh writes as if he is the son of these two cities, making his knowledge about the Egyptian culture, and the Indian one to be not only inspiring, but with a hint of mystery also.

As my last month in Mostar unfolds, I am keeping my promise to read 3 or more books each month. Stay tuned for the last month’s list of books, and Palestine, I will see you soon, inshallah!

Books to ease the soul (1)

2010-11-11T04:36:00.000-08:00

What better things to do in rainy Winter other than reading? Reading books that warm the heart and especially in Winter is a bliss. If you have hot milk and a bit of (o.k make that a lot of) chocolate, then you are in heaven. Reading has also been my escape, my feel good pleasure, and my reason for loving English Literature and aiming to continue my studies in Literature and Creative Writing (inshallah inshallah). Here are 3 books that I have read in my first month in Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina:

1) Black Soul by Ahmet M. Rahmanovic

Even though I read this book on the hot days of late summer, it felt amazing reading a book about a country I was temporarily living in. The first few words gave me shivers :" The following story is fiction. What actually happened was worse." The writer mixes real events with fictional counterparts creating a story that might have happened. His main character is a man who, as a Muslim, has fought against the Serbs and Croats during the war and after watching both his wife and daughter brutally killed is forced by his own parents to flee the country. He goes to Chicago, in a time where blacks ruled some areas while whites ruled others. He realizes the importance of hard work, love and religion. This book is a must read if you want to know about the war, from a Muslim, yet universal point of view.

2) The Encyclopedia of the dead by Danilo Kiš

My second book was read while the first rain drops were falling on Mostar. As the tiny drops became monstrous rain that would start in the early morning and keep going until the next day, I slowly began falling in love with this book. I usually do not like short stories, but this collection is very interesting indeed. The writer who was born to a Hungarian Jewish father and a Montenegro mother (a mixed Yugoslavian author as many Yugoslavs are) uses Yugoslavian narrative and old stories making them suit the modern reader. Although some of the stories were too serious for me and had too much information, I still enjoyed knowing about the country and realizing how similar humans are. This book is a must read not only because of it cool name ( a name of a story about somewhere around the world where they had a library full of details on dead people in order to preserve human life-true story) , but because it challenges you to go into a world that being a non Yugoslavian, you would have not known about.

3) Sarajevo Marlboro by Miljenko Jergovic

Now here is a book that is easy to read yet is at the same time full of insights into the life in Sarajevo, the capital of the federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina. (oh, don't make me started on the difference between Federation and Republic, since dear old Serbs wanted to have their "own" country's name inside the area of the Federation). This book has many stories that describe life during and after the war. It talks about normal people, how they struggled to live during the war, but also how they began slowly to hate each other's ethnicity and divide themselves through their religion and backgrounds. A must read book because it is simple and its language, although translated, is simply beautiful. I had asked the students to analyze one story of the book and write an essay about it. Seeing the written reaction of the students, made me feel very proud and excited to see yet again the importance of writing and reading to our generation and the ones to follow.

With 19 more days left for me in the town of Mostar and in this school, I am beginning to feel nostalgic. I am hoping that I am leaving behind me a better understanding of who Muslims are and maybe more importantly who PALESTINIANS are...Since to many students, I am the first Palestinian they meet, I sure hope I am representing us in a nice way that would make my mama proud :)

One more month to go

2010-10-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

Here is an essay that I wrote for the school's newsletter that I would like to share here:

“Why did you choose Mostar?”,” how did you find UWC?” “ You only came with a two-week-motel-reservation?” These are some of the many questions I daily receive here. Since I have begun volunteering at UWCiM I had the privilege to answer so many similar questions as well as engage in many delightful and educational conversations. I come from Palestine and that on its own generates and species many conversations. The fact that I wear a headscarf opens up a whole lot of questions such as: “ Do you wear it while you sleep?”, “ Are you forced to wear it or did you choose to?”, and the most funny one “do you actually have hair underneath?!” I have been volunteering at UWCiM for less than a month now, but what I have gained from my short experience has taught me a lot about my surrounding, my mother’s town (Mostar), and also about my self, my comfort zone and my tolerance.

I fell in love with Mostar when I visited it with my mother’s family in 2008. My mother is originally from Bosnia and Herzegovina; Both of her parents have grandparents who are Bosnian. How I came to UWCiM is another story. I met a student from the college in the bus station and a week later I was talking with Valentina. Two weeks later, I was signing my contract. The first few days in the college felt like a hasty dream. I was finally doing what I came here to do. I was meeting people, teaching students and most importantly learning about the history and the people of this town.

My first hike on an early Sunday morning has been one of the first moments of bonding that I made with the students and teachers. I was pleased to see everyone cheer me when I finally arrived at the top of the mountain. It is true that I was nicknamed “Granny Palendia” for my slow walking and old age, but coming back to school on Monday and seeing the pain of walking on every member of the “Adventure Crew” made me belong and realize that I had my first group activity.

Going on Project Week to a town known for the biggest massacre in the Bosnian war “Srebrenica” brought back memories of my homeland and of how my own grandfather was forced to flee his town and watch in his own eyes his town crumble down. I realized that history repeats itself and I felt a sudden sadness that was replaced by joy and appreciation through meeting our host family who showed us that every religion and ethnicity has its own kind generous people. This is what I will take with me home, the generosity of the old women, the curiosity in the students’ eyes as they asked about my Palestine and my religion, the appreciation I see in students’ eyes as I teach the Creative Writing class, the sounds of students waiting for food in the canteen, and the joy of finally knowing that I am in my mother’s country, smelling the same air her grandmother smelled, walking on the same paths that she walked on. These things and many more I will take with me when I leave back home in a month. Thank you Mostar and thank you UWCiM.

Srebrenica, a town that dwells in the past

2010-10-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

As part of my volunteer responsibility, I was asked to be a supervisor for 4 first year students on their "Project Week". The idea is really exciting- a week for students to explore a city, a town, or a location and then do a presentation about it. The students were each given an amount of money to use and that was it! The students have to finance their accommodation, find places to visit and create a theme for their visit. My group had students from Lebanon, the Netherlands, Germany, and Wales- meaning we had no locals to help us with speaking and booking buses and ordering food. Our journey involved driving for 10 hours in two buses and although that was tiring, we were surrounded with amazing scenery like this:

Contrary to what you might be thinking, our journey was not disastrous. It was actually very educational and inspiring. We had a very nice teacher from Srebrenica who helped us book a motel, find buses and arranged for us to talk to locals and representatives. We were lucky because some locals spoke German owing to the fact that they fled to Germany in the war and so our German student helped us understand.

Now get this: Srebrenica is known for the biggest genocide in Eastern Europe after the world wars! I guess genocides and wars follow me everywhere. It was very sad for me to connect the dots and realize that history repeats itself. To know that the brutality of the Israelis and their cunning in finding ways to destroy not only the lives of Palestinians, but their mentality and freedom to live was similar to the ways the Serbs used their deceit to ethnically clean Srebrenica broke my heart. While I thought that Palestinians had it the worst, I realized that around the world and in areas not heard of, evil spirits are doing the cruelties and war crimes that the Palestinians have been under for more than sixty years. I now know the excruciating details of how the Bosnian Muslims were kicked out of their houses, ordered to leave their "safety" position in the Dutch base and sat in buses watching their family members, townspeople, and probably friends being shot knowing that their similar doom was coming minutes after. Our guide at the memorial center had lost both his twin brother and his father on the terrifying walk that many survives went on to escape. He told us that they had to walk for more than 100 km to reach safety. Here are pictures from the memorial:

Visiting the memorial center affected all of us. We all wept watching and hearing stories of survivors and of those who passed away. The city lost more than 8400 souls, and every year they are finding more bodies thrown in mass graves. I took many pictures (pictures above are taken by me and my students) and although I am sure they will affect you and probably make you feel sad, I have to add that nothing compares to being there. Surrounded by white tombs and a curvy wall with thousands of names of people who were brutally killed makes you dizzy allowing you to appreciate your life and abandon prejudice and differences. Even though 99.9% of the dead were Muslims, the reasons that I connected with the town and its people, alive or dead was how similar their lives were to ours-Palestinians. They were people who were living in a glorious time, united and fed and in a matter of few years their lives were changed dramatically.

Srebrenica is a town that does not look for a future- they strongly believe that their politicians, their religions, and their economy will not alter their current situation. What the elders want is the town they had prior to the war. Every time they speak, they begin with "before the war..." and always negatively compare it with the worse conditions "after the war...". Srebrenica before the war was a town that had people living happily next to each other, a town that was famous for its water spring "Gubar", a town that had men and women. Srebrenica right now is a town famous for its July Massacre, a town where Serbs outnumber Muslims, a town that has few men and lots of elderly women who have scars of wars in their eyes.

Having experienced all of this, it is worth mentioning that living with a host family that was Serbian brought a balance to my image of the town and its history. Our host family who also served as out motel family consisted of an old woman and her divorced daughter. The old woman embraced me from the first moment she saw me. I was clearly the Muslim in the group because of my headscarf. I did not know that they will be Serbs and up until I visited the memorial center, I was not aware of the horrific actions done by the Serbs. I did not know what to expect from our host family, but what I did not see was becoming a part of their family and finally accepting the old lady as my grandmother.

I loved them! The grandmother was a piece of art. She was funny, entertaining and generous. Even though both the daughter and her mother did not speak English, I was able to communicate with them. Body and sign language helped a lot and the students and I used our creativity to ask the old lady to "kindly give us cups" and "if she could please give us a knife"! We stayed in their house for 5 days and it was a moment of pleasure when the younger woman and I discovered Google translator and used it for two hours to talk to each other. It was very interesting hearing (or actually reading through Google) her thoughts on life, the war, and her mother. Here is a picture of their house:

By the end of my trip I realized that I have been ignorant and negative. Why should I expect a nice old lady and her daughter to be less nice? The fact that some crazy inhuman members of their religion or ethnicity committed crimes against people who shared my religion should not have made me think any less of them. I now realize that wars create insane worlds where people fear Muslims because a group decided to kidnap planes and hit skyscrapers, hate Christians because certain useless priests molest young children, and hate Jews because some Zionist group usurped Palestinian land and pretended that the land they stole was theirs as well as killed and destroyed lives of many many Palestinians and their kids and grandkids are still doing the same, mind you! I still think that some Jews are not as good as other Christians or Muslims or other ethnicities and religions and I always gave my self the excuse that "their people" are occupying "my land".

This journey has taught me many things about my self and about the situation in Bosnia and Herzegovina as well as the terrible genocide of 1995, but it also taught me that our world is the same. Wherever you go, you will see injustice, you will see negativity, but you will also see the good. Children playing alongside each other, young adults initiating ideas to sooth the pain of others, women and men waking up every day to make sure that lives are saved, people are clean,and that people are being taught. This world is full of similar things. What changes is actually the setting, the landscape and the language. Everything else is the same.

First Hike

2010-10-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I sometimes feel old being surrounded by healthy seventeen and eighteen year old teenagers. While they are always active, I get sleepy and tired by 9. While they dance and have parties every weekends, I cherish staying in bed reading and drinking green tea. While they go hiking...I go with them :)

On October the third, I went on my first hike in Bosnia. The journey was absolutely beautiful! I never walked this much and I never felt this tired, but the experience and the view were worth it. I was cheered by the students who really motivated me (that is after they made me feel very old by being tired and sweating while they were running and jumping like monkeys). I needed both physical power and the power of my mind to help me keep on going for 7 hours. The mountain was above 1000 meters and it made me feel very proud to have been able to keep going and not stop. I have to thank Bob Marley who kept shouting in my ears to keep going. Or was he asking if it was love that I was feeling ;)

Look at these pictures that yours truly took:

This is the furthest we went:

I just love this:

Awesome, yes?

Look at these tall trees:

P.D.A guys?!

2010-09-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

O.K! so I knew that I would be seeing and observing many weird things coming from teenagers since I am an adult (yeah!) being surrounded with teenagers. I was once a hormone-driven teen as we all were, but honestly people, Public Display of Affection is continuing to make me feel uncomfortable here. So far I have seen:

1) A guy licking a girl's neck claiming that she tastes like chocolate! This happened in the queue while we were all waiting for dinner. Come on teenagers! I just want to have my food in peace, maybe have a couple of good conversations as well and that is it. And just for the record, I know for a fact that human flesh does not taste as great as this would:

2) A couple kissing in the middle of the lunch canteen while I was enjoying a good conversation and a nice chicken steak. Why, oh why, did this couple find it very important to exercise their lips at that moment, I will never know. Again it felt awkward and not right! It just does not feel right to be kissing someone in front of people, let alone people who are eating good food. And if I may add, you are not supposed to be kissing people when you are 17 and 18. I honestly love kissing (Shut Up!) but you need to do it with someone who you know and love and not in front of people and again not when you are running high on hormones. And just because I am a Muslim, I have to add this:" DON'T KISS UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED PEOPLE"!

But seriously, I feel very uncomfortable and uneasy seeing young teens kissing and holding hands and acting like they are adults. Is that weird? Am I being extra sensitive and very rigid? I do not know honestly, but I know that I am feeling weird watching these kids play house since they live with each other and spend most of their times hanging out together.

3) Teens hugging and holding hands and kissing every time they see each other (which happens a lot since they DO live in the same building).

I may seem judgmental and maybe conservative and a bit crazy, but this is the truth of my emotions. I am definitely feeling lonely being single in a town that is crowded with couples holding hands and enjoying pretty scenes. I do not blame them (the adults that is not the young teens) because I would bring my significant other to this town and hold his hand while showing him around (check out some of the pictures I took of Mostar) but until I do, I will keep on complaining about P.D.A

Volunteering At Last

2010-09-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

It took me 27 days to begin a volunteer job here (look at picture) in Mostar. To be honest, I am glad to announce that it actually took me one day to be able to know about a school and to ask one of its students ( A seventeen year old Turkish girl whom I met on my way to Mostar the first day) and be promised to meet the head teacher.

Even though I was extremely excited and motivated, the first question I asked myself coming to the little town of Mostar was :" what the hell am I doing here?". It is crucial to know that I came to Bosnia not knowing what I wanted to do. I honestly had a two week reservation in a motel and that was it. I knew that I wanted to volunteer or teach or work in a cafe or teach Quran or teach Arabic...I wanted to do many things. Right now, I am in in the United World College library keeping it open for more hours so the students can use it longer. How did all of this happen in 27 days?

O.k! So the Turkish girl introduced me to her head teacher, who is the most dedicated woman I saw in Mostar so far! She is a Croatian Christian living in the Muslim side of Mostar. If you are not from Mostar, this would seem strange. But living here, you will realize that Mostar is actually still divided. Ever since the war erupted in 1992, the town has been divided between Muslims, Christian Croats and Christian Serbs. Even for a Palestinian living in a country that is torn between an occupier who believes he owns the land, to a civilian who wishes he had his whole land and instead is being forced to agree to have less and less every minute, it was and still is breath-taking to see how a town is still under religious segregation.

I had to wait for 20 days after my first meeting with the head teacher because she needed to get permission for my volunteer position and some formalities that apparently exist everywhere. Opposite to what you might think, waiting for something that you know you will eventually get feels as painful as waiting for the possibility for something that might not happen. Eventually, I was able to sign a contract that allows me to volunteer and even gives me some cash and get this, lunch and dinner.

Yesterday was my first day at the United World College/Mostar (look how many there are?!)

Can you tell which country I am dying to teach in next? I can't retell the excitement and satisfaction I felt coming into a place knowing that I will help and hopefully motivate.

Everyone was very excited to help me. I guess being the only person from Palestine and definitely the only woman with a headscarf made me a target for smiles and welcoming hellos! It was enriching being surrounded by international students who are 6 years younger than I am. I will eventually remember most of their names and maybe have conversations with half of them. I eat lunch and dinner with them and that should be enough to break the ice.

I am also planning on teaching the students a Creative Writing class very soon. In fact, this Monday I will be meeting with the whole student body and introducing my course. It feels good to finally be able to do something I know how to do and most importantly love to do. It was very interesting changing the exercises that I gave to my students in Palestine in order to match the mentality and life style of these new students. It is challenging because they are international and come from many countries, but I am up for the challenge and ready to creatively rule ;)

Let's hope these teenagers don't give me a white hair, not that they can see it anyway!

In Bosnia, Finally!

2010-09-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

I have been planning this trip for months,if not years as it may seem, but finally and thankfully I am here. I am in Mostar, Bosnia (the image above is taken by yours truly of the famous Old Bridge). This small town with its semi- ruined buildings, rich history and ache that you can feel in the old generation's eyes is where my old ancestors came from. My mother's family is originally from Mostar, Bosnia and here I am again following their foot steps .

The first visit to Mostar was 2 years and 1 month ago. It is true that the town has not changed dramatically( some would argue that it has not changed at all), but yours truly has changed and my view on people and places has changed as well.

I don't have the energy (It's Ramadan and I am hungry) nor the time (I am in an interent cafe and my time is about to expire) to write about my experience. but I will very soon. This is to let you know that I have arrived and that I am loving it.

Tonight is the night of Qadr( told to be the night that the Quran was sent to mankind, and is known to be the holiest night in the Muslim calender). Will you go to mosques? I will, inshallah.

Thoughts from Jordan

2010-08-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

Ohh the crowded city of Amman-Jordan how much I have mixed feelings towards you. I am staying in my aunt's house in Amman before traveling. If you are a Palestinian, then you have to travel to Jordan in order to fly anywhere around the world. It's not that we, Palestinians, don't have labor to operate airports or the technology needed, for we are the masters of creativity on low budgets. What we lack is freedom. We can't build an airport because of the occupation and the only semi-airport that we ever had is in Gaza and is not used after the many recent attacks on it. Gaza is a no entry zone right now, even to Palestinians!!!

And so this is why I am here in Jordan. I also needed to get my Bosnian visa issued here in Jordan because Palestine is after all a scary place for embassys (sad). I have been here for less than a week but I don't know if it's because of my alone time here (away from friends and close family), or because of the weather here, but I have been thinking and reflecting a lot. Here it goes:

1) Coming from Palestine to Jordan was hell. You have to cross three borders and have to be humiliated in each and every one. I came with a friend and we spent exactly 9 hours coming to a country that is very close to Palestine it almost drowns it in maps. It is really awful to think that crossing from an Arab country to its neighbors causes both physical pain and mental one. I am always shocked with the amount of hatred and anger I carry with me leaving my home. I had only slept for 2 hours and I was emotionally drained leaving my close friends and my family, especially my dear mama, and the trip made me even more upset.

one funny yet sad incident happened while I was on the Palestinian side. A police man who checks numbers ( you are given a number so you can go into buses. We had 1500 human souls before us) was extremely surprised because I told him "Yateek il afya" which means (may Allah give you more strength, or plainly thank you). He had told me that I was the first person to tell him that since the early morning. It is sad yet understandable that people who carry with them the burden of leaving home, and the trouble of crossing 3 bridges do not have the energy in them to say "Thank You" to people who spend their day calling out names and checking passports.

2) Staying at a hotel for the first two nights in Jordan filled me with sweet joy. I suddenly felt that I was traveling. I felt independent and mature. Jordan is the first route to my real destination: Bosnia! I was slightly disappointed with the hotel, but I could care less since it's a safe place for me to sleep in and it gave me shelter. Complaining, especially to one's self is a waste of time ( You see I have become smarter since day one of my journey) :)

3) What is it with women and shopping! My friend who had came to Jordan to shop, REALLY came here to shop. I have been anti-shopping ever since I developed a body that labeled me as a woman. I just don't find it soothing to try on clothes and look around for clothes and compare clothes. I just don't like clothes! O.k I do like wearing decent clothes, but I hate looking for them. I usually get clothes as gifts and I willingly wear them.

Jordan reminds me of America. It has too many stuff! Too much cars and two many lanes and two much choices. Man, the choices! Do I really need a shelf full of bubble gum to choose from!? The thing is, is that you get used to too many choices and it becomes robotic. You start needing too many choices and it never ends I guess.

I remeber a friend who visited Palestine after a long time saying that it lacks good services. I feel this is the same here in Jordan. You have big shops and plenty of cafes and restaurants, but not trained servers. To think of it, I do not like being served and I hate seeing maids being treated badly, but if you are opening up a business, why not train your employees?

4) Book shopping on the other hand is something I enjoy and love to do. I absolutely appreciate my parents who taught me from an early age to love and appreciate books. I spent hours in a book store in Amman shopping for cards (books are a bit expensive here). I find it both amusing and delighting to shop for books and cards.

The last idea that haunts me is the typical human need for money! I wish we still exchanged goods for goods. I really despise, yet know the need for money! But do we really need THAT much money?

I am spending my last days in Jordan being surrounded with extended family and kids. I miss being a kid and I love having them around. Life is good because it has good kids who love to read :)

Finally!! Thoughts on Project August

2010-08-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

Blogger.com was not responding to my pleading silent requests and it did not allow me to log into my account for 2 days. I don't know if it is a result of my weak internet or blogger's spite against me, but alas here I am and here are my thoughts on the 2 week project I underwent:

1) The quest to be a better person is something that should be thought of, implemented, and discussed individually and between friends and families. It is easy to practice and it teaches discipline and invites positivity to everyone.

2) Once you start to think of yourself as someone who wants to be a better person, it becomes hard not to think of it. Simple things like being appreciative, respecting people's spaces, listening for the sake of being there for your friends, stayed with me, even after the project has ended.

3) There are millions of ways to become a better version of yourself. You will never be bored or out of ideas, so go ahead and just do it .

4) It is simply O.K to fail a daily challenge because you always have next challenges, next days and next ways to become better. I mean we sure hope!

5) Yet, I do advice that we seize the day "carpe diem" because there are no guarantees in life, only hopes. Always aim to be nicer, more educated, less troubled, and always seek to be a person who makes others happy and not someone who troubles them and causes them pain.

6) Forcing your self to do something repeatedly always makes you a more practiced dedicated person. Writing daily for 14 days made me realize how much I love to do it, and how much practice we all need to become better.

7) Fear is crippling and ugly. Fear has never allowed anyone to become better or to do better; It just makes you negatively live life and always worry. It helps to know that fear can be conquered with a dash of courage and a little bit of confidence and a lot of will.

8) Challenging your self and testing your abilities is always healthy and rewarding. I never knew I needed patience in my life. I never realized that once you began appreciating little things, life became happier, sunnier and more rewarding.

9) In the end, I am grateful I took this test and I hope that my quest to become a better version of my self remains with me

Project August---DAY 14---

2010-08-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

If I had known that today was the final day of the challenge, I would have read more, but I think I am satisfied with today's events. I finished Da Chen's amazing book (review soon), and I read two articles on The Economist (Thank you A), and I began with a new book that should be very helpful on my trip!

But because I slacked off a few days, I will extend my challenge until tomorrow and I will write down what I have accomplished and what I need to work more on. Have you discovered what makes you a better person!?

Project August---DAY 13---

2010-08-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't exactly work on today's challenge so...

I fail

But tomorrow will be better, trust me!

Project August---DAY 12---

2010-08-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

2 more challenges and I will have attempted to become a better version of my self. I have to say that I am glad this project is ending in Ramadan so I can, and with the spirit of this holy month, continue with me quest and constantly remind myself to be motivated and to jump away from my comfort zone. Speaking of comfort zones, I dreamed last night that I decided to take a bold move and change my plans in a trip. It was an intense vivid dream (as many of my dreams are), but I am glad that the step to become a better person has embedded itself in my dreams even.

Tomorrow's Challenge? To finally finish "Colors of the Mountain" and read at least one article on the Chinese revolution and another article on Ramadan and spirituality. Since I haven't had a fixed challenge for the past 2 days, I will also add the challenge of beginning with a new book. AHHH the pleasure of staying at home!

Project August---DAY 11---

2010-08-11T13:57:00.001-07:00

Ramadan's first day was a very nice quiet day. I realized that I haven't set a challenge for today in my last post, but I know what it should be: Take advantage of the holy month and become a better person. which is basically my 2 week challenge!

I spent my day watching this program which really is inspirational. Amr Khaled, a Muslim preacher and a positive icon for youth really, uses the style of the "Apprentice" show....

...In order to promote a positive developmental message. You don't have to be a Muslim to watch this' I guarantee it will attract you and motivate you to do good no matter where or how. 2 thumbs up for Amr Kahled for being a positive image of what Islam should really be! Watch the promo here, and you can watch all of the episodes on Amr Khaled's channel:

Next Challenge: take advantage of Ramadan still!

Project August---DAY 10---

2010-08-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yes! I De-cluttered today! It felt really good but it made me think of my self- my identity. Why do I keep clutter in the first place? As I said in my last blog, my clutter is usually a reminder of my past; it contains old paper written by me or for me. It has many small writings that meant (and apparently still mean) something to me. I feel the sense of myself in my past which is, according to the spiritual leaders I listen to, is bad, very bad! I need not recognize who I am through my past, but through now. It is not in my writings, and it is not in my grades, but it is through living every day to the fullest believing that I am understanding life a little better day by day. This is hard and it takes lots of practice, but I am happy that I had begun.

I don't think I was more patient today than other days, but I am working on it. Now is the best time to do so, because tomorrow is RAMADAN. For those of you who are not familiar with Ramadan, it is the month of fasting for Muslims.

But to say that it is only for fasting or that fasting is only done through abstinence from drinking and eating is an understatement. Ramadan is about becoming united with people around you; it's about understanding the pain of those who are less privileged than you are. It is about following the footsteps of the noblest of all man: the Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him.

To be honest, I was not too excited for this Ramadan because it happens to be in the hottest month of this year, but as the day slowly unfolded, I became more excited and happier. I am alive, healthy and able to fast, and I have the opportunity to become more spiritual and more connected with Allah and my fellow Muslims. This is a great opportunity and I should be grateful. I am!

Check out this thoughtful article and tomorrow I will share my Ramadan resolution -god willing.
http://www.islamicity.com/articles/Articles.asp?ref=SV0808-3647

Project August---DAY 9---

2010-08-09T13:01:00.001-07:00

I did not De-clutter today and my best friend said that spending time with her is more important than writing in my blog (half jokingly anyway), and so I missed a challenge because I was spending time with my friends. I am leaving soon (inshallah) and I need to see them more often, but I do promise to work on this challenge and the challenge of patience (because it's hard and so I am punishing my self :) ) tomorrow.

I watched "Seven Pounds" today and I can just say that it was brilliant. Watch the trailer here:

This film is brilliantly written and the amazing Will Smith gets better each film. He is truly a great person in both his films and in real life. I just think he exemplifies a good actor who is well grounded and down-to-earth. And Did I say he is FINE! That's always a plus.

Project August---DAY 8---

2010-08-08T12:38:00.000-07:00

My mother would agree with me that I did NOT ace my day 8 challenge. I was not able to hold my anxiety, sometimes anger, and a bit of my sarcasm today. I would feel safe to say that I have failed! I went with my mother, who is really the most amazing and funny person in the entire world, and I was not really grateful. She bought me lots of clothes and she took me out to lunch yet unappreciative me kept on complaining and telling her how to drive and how to act or not to act, which is,if you are a mother(or a human being frankly), not so nice to hear. I would take the same challenge tomorrow but I know that with this heat wave and my high stress level these days, I would fail again. So instead I would admit that I failed today and I would urge my self and others to start treating their mothers nicely and announce that tomorrow's challenge would be to finally sort our my writing papers and vast amount of random paper in two huge plastic bags on the floor of my room.

Better human begins, I believe and so does mother by the way, have no clutter in their life. Clutter for those unfamiliar is everything that fills up your space and is not really used or important or even useful.

If your office has plenty of old post-its and papers that you wrote two years ago, you have clutter. If your kitchen has spices that you know you will never use, or old cooking books in a language you were planning to master 10 years ago, you have clutter. Clutter can also be thoughts in our head. If you still doubt the decision you took 5 years ago, you have clutter. The reason why clutter is bad is because it clings to you forbidding you to move on. If, like me, you keep every gift you had received as a kid and most of the clothes you haven't worn in years because they remind you of nice occasions or of people and actions, you, like me, have clutter. I, with the help of dear mama, was able to get rid of most of the physical cutter I had in my room, but now I have my old writing and exams from high school ( I told you I have clutter) still laying in my room and I will, god willing, work on them tomorrow. I won't promise to throw them away, but I do promise to categorize them and save them in nice files. DEAL?

Maybe you can do the same. Read this article and let me know if it works for you!

http://blog.iqmatrix.com/life-success-series/de-clutter-your-life-mind-map

Project August---DAY 7---

2010-08-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

It's been seven days since I began with this project and I really feel a change in me. I always think before doing any action. My usual question is "what can I do better?" or "what would a better person do?" and I usually listen to my inner voice and I usually do the right thing. It's been really interesting writing daily in this blog. I usually make plans that involve doing something regularly and I hear this is the best way to discipline yourself and get used to the action. I read this in an amazing book a while ago.

and so without further ado, I ask the question I am supposed to ask for today: did I write more than usual today? The answer is YES! I taught a class on writing today and I wrote in that class, and I began writing a new story that has 1000 words so far and which I am planning on expanding on and finishing soon. I also read a lot today. It's really insane to think that you can write and produce a work of fiction without reading books. I read many things today, some where funny and hilarious (A.J. Jacob's articles), while others were more serious (the news), and in between a memoir of a kid in the Chinese Revolution ( see last blog). I still know that I could have written more, but I will blame it on the hot hot hot weather (just like my students did today in class! lazy kids...oh wait! :)

Tomorrow's challenge? I am going with my mother on a shopping trip, so I think the suitable challenge is for me to practice patience

That's a tough one!

and since I shared a cool quote, how about this amazing one I heard on an Oprah's video with the always cool Wayne Dyer(and I think you should check him out).

Extremely inspirational and intelligent, don't you think?

Project August---DAY 6---

2010-08-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

Am I more intelligent today? I think not, but I do know these things:

1) I know that I want to read more about the Chinese Revolution especially after beginning to read this amazing book:

2) I know that I want to read so many books and so many articles on many things including Buddha and his teaching, Christ and his message, Islam and its universality, Communism, Capitalism, India and its culture, poetry and its origin, literature and its affects. I know that I need to begin now!

3) I know that A.J. Jacobs is an amazing person. Not only is he a great writer, but he is an inspirational person. I had emailed Jacobs to thank him for his books, and guess what? HE EMAILED ME BACK!!!! this really is exciting, and he also thanked me and said that I had made his day! A.J. Jacobs thinks my appreciation made his day! I think I am already becoming intelligent :)

4) I know that my two amazing poet friends did an awesome job today in their poetry recitation. I am very proud of them and I know that when I leave them, they will continue to be great inspiration to others. E and A this is to you!

5) I know that I did something really bad tonight: I threw a bottle of empty juice in the garbage bin while driving and it landed on the street and I did NOTHING! I feel sorry and guilty.

6) I know that I just ate a meat shawermah and feel no guilt about it.

7) I know that tomorrow's challenge will focus on writing. I feel very passionate about writing and I know that I need to keep on improving and helping my self, so more writing it is...

A.J. Jacobs and his creative books

2010-08-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Since I am aiming to become a better person, I've decided to finally write the two book reviews I have been procrastinating. A.J. Jacobs is one of my favorite new authors. His writing is very genuine, his topics relevant, and his ideas are amazingly new and refreshing. He puts his life on his paper, depicting life as he sees it, never fearing to show his true colors. I have read two of his most famous three books. Needless to say, I enjoyed the two books immensely. The first book that I finished last month is this:

Jacobs decides to read the Bible, the Old and the New testaments as literally as possible. He vigilantly read the two bibles and wrote down every role he found. He then followed those rules no matter how hard (like the one where he doesn't sit on the same chair his wife sits on when on her period), and silly ones (like throwing rocks at adulterers, and in his case older ones). This book is not a mockery on the bible or its teachings. It is simply a man's journey to understand his religion and find out why he has chosen to define himself as an agnostic. By the end of the book, the author does not suddenly become a believer and kneel down, but he realizes that there is a higher power that has magically and amazingly kept the world in order. He realizes also that saying thanks ( no matter to whom and why) is a good way to spend your time. He presents relative debatable issues and discuses them in a funny yet witty creative way. This book should be read by both religious and atheist readers. A.J. Jacbos, with his personal touches and his nerdy remarks, attracts his diverse readers and makes them wanting more.

His first book that I just finished reading is this:

This seemed the most suitable book title for me; I had always wanted to know everything. Ever since I graduated form high school, I have told my brother that I feel ignorant and not well educated. I told him how I seem to have forgotten the basic rules, laws, and facts of life as presented in all the books I have studied as a student. To find a book that addresses this issue made me very excited and happy. Jacobs decides to read the whole Encyclopedia in one year. His book is both an educational journey into not less than one hundred facts, but also a personal reflection. He does not merely narrate what he has learned, but he gives you his own funny down to earth opinion about life, science, having babies and so much more. After reading any of his books, a feeling of brotherhood, comradeship rises in the reader. I honestly just want to have a cup of green tea with this guy. I also want to read his third book, which I know will be as exciting as the first two.

2 thumbs up for A.J for inspiring me and many more to admit to our faults and flaws and want to fix them. Amen to that!

Project August---DAY 5---

2010-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

I appreciate the hands that are writing these words. I appreciate the mind that has created and formed my words. I appreciate the eyes that can read these words, fixing them when possible. I appreciate the small white Macbook that easily allows me to write. I appreciate the internet that lets me connect with millions of people with just one click. I appreciate my body and its weaknesses. I appreciate my soul and my constant desire for improvement. I appreciate my friends who help me live life every day. I appreciate my family, the larger extended one living around the world, and the small nuclear one living under the same roof with me.

I appreciate google searches, and I appreciate youtube. I appreciate daily chores that I am able to do without trouble. I appreciate being able to digest and exhale, to inhale and comprehend. I appreciate the tremendous work writers to do to entertain, educate, and fascinate us. I appreciate the many profound poems written to inspire us. I appreciate the songs that are composed to be listened to and get amazed by. I appreciate nature and its small yet miraculous sounds. I appreciate the red line I see on words spelled incorrectly. I appreciate food and drinks. I appreciate the sun even if it makes me sweat like a pig on regular basis.

I appreciate the little babies who never ever fail to make me smile looking at them. I appreciate old men walking on the street with a smile. I appreciate parking space and pavements. I appreciate skype and its video chats. I appreciate emails in the early morning. I appreciate postal offices and their stamps and letters. I appreciate cars and buses. I appreciate planes and laws that make them fly. I appreciate gravity and free fall, whether in love or in spacial laws. I appreciate the ability to appreciate what I have, and I am thankful for every little thing in this world.

My mind kept appreciating little things today. Even though I woke up with a terrible neck pain (probably due to my awful sleeping patterns (to be changed soon!), I decided to remeber my plan of appreciation. I honestly felt better as my few thoughts become ten and as the ten became fifteen, and until I lost count of the many great things we humans have. It was very hard for me to think or dwell on the negative thoughts because my mind was preoccupied with positive ones. This is what today has been about. It's not only about mentally noting that you have a body that works, eyes to see and hands to touch, but also that the little negative characteristics or worries are really belittled in comparison with the positive ones. This reminds me of what A.J. Jacobs (the writer of the year of living biblically and the know-it-all) talks about in his TED interview (check 5 notes ago) that the minute he started to appreciate the little things, he incidentally felt better and began to develop a pattern of positive thoughts. This day has been an enlightening day and I am proud of the happy challenge I just did.

Tomorrow's challenge: boosting my intelligence ( as is a step of becoming a better person on wikihow!)

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Better-Person